Hasidim: They're Just Like Us

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​I know this will come as a shock to some, but not all Hasidic Jews behave like the pure, virtuous holy men they're supposed to be. Some of them fuck hookers! And all manner of people they're not married to, at that. The first time one hit on me, I was shocked. But now, after living south of Brooklyn's Broadway for more than three years, I know them better than that. I convinced a mole (let's call him "Moishe") to tell me some of his sexploits. Enjoy.

The Legend of the Hole in the Sheet

"I made chit chat with a girl I played pool with at the Levee. Then we "coincidentally" left at the same time. I offered her a ride home. What should have been a five-minute ride turned into a long one. We got into a whole religious and philosophical conversation. She hesitantly asked me about the "hole in the sheet" ritual (if it was true). I sarcastically said, "well, I'm really not allowed to answer that. You can only find out if we actually do it." She says, "oh, so I guess there's no way I'll ever find out because there's no way we can do it. You're not allowed to do this stuff, amirite?" I said, "yes, you're right, but that's the rule and I'm the exception". It worked very well, and I had the hottest car sex ever (I should say there was no sheet involved)."

The McCarren Pool Pick-Up

"I was at a McCarren pool movie with some Hasidic dudes. The hipster girl sitting behind me on the floor politely tapped me on the back. She handed me a piece of paper saying, "I think you dropped this piece of paper". I told her "Thank you, but I don't think I dropped it." So she goes, "yeah, its yours, it seems like important information" (her cell number and email address). It turned out she had a big thing for Amish and Hasids."

Did you seal the deal?

"Yeah, we had a short four-week relationship. It happened to be a lot of fun."