The English Dominate Bad Sex Competition, Surprising Nobody

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Image via that creepy French safe sex campaign

English author Rowan Somerville has been awarded the dubious honor of this year's Bad Sex In Fiction Prize. Awarded each year by The Literary Review, the prize honors the scribe most adept at making penises want to retreat into body cavities and vaginas want to sew themselves shut forever. "There is nothing more English than bad sex," Somerville said upon accepting the prize for his critically panned novel, The Shape Of Her. "So on behalf of the nation, I thank you." Some tremendously un-sexy turns of phrase, after the jump. 

"Like a lepidopterist mounting a tough-skinned insect with a too blunt pin he screwed himself into her."

Nothing says hawt like comparing the physical act of love to pinning a big, juicy, bug to an insect board.

"She released his hair from her fingers and twisted onto her belly like a fish flipping itself, her movement so brusque his chin bounced off her head."

Mmm, fishy. Do fish even know how to flip themselves over?

"He unbuttoned the front of her shirt and pulled it to the side so that her breast was uncovered, her nipple poking out, upturned like the nose of the loveliest nocturnal animal, sniffing in the night. He took it between his lips and sucked the salt from her."

I know I like to sprinkle some salt on my nipples before engaging in coitus. My boyfriend finds their regular taste quite bland. For an added kick, consider some Tabasco sauce.

Literature: the safest, most natural form of birth control!

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