Confused? Aroused?

Well, I sorted it all out on last night's Countdown with Keith Olbermann, along with guest host David Shuster.

You can check out this video of the high points, but meanwhile, here's my transcript:

The video--for Madge's song "Give Me All Your Luvin'" (feat. M.I.A. and Nicki Minaj)--is a glossily photographed romp that has our star pushing a stroller, waving pom poms, and playing the platinum sexpot, surrounded by scads of faceless football players and some happening guest stars.

"I think there is no way to reach your fullest potential if you don't really find the love of yourself," admits Demi.

But in the new Harper's Bazaar, designer Diane von Furstenberg assures us that she and Barry Diller are the most sizzling couple since, I don't know, Calvin and Kelly.

"It was real passion and completely unexpected on his side and my side," swears Diane about their first pairing.

According to Odyssey magazine's "F" list--for the fabulous and fierce, not the fucked up and forgotten--I have the top spot this week.

And I did it with no promotion whatsoever!

Chris did his one-man show A Twist of Lemmon in a benefit performance at the Players Club last night, and I was there.

Among his anecdotes:

*The flaming George Cukor directed Jack in his first film, It Should Happen to You (1954), and after one energetic take of a scene, he said to the actor:

"Oh, gosh, Jackie, look at you go! It's really ducky, isn't it?

"But could you give me less, darling?"

Jack did less, but it wasn't enough for Cukor, who wanted even less.

This went on for a bunch more takes, after which Jack exasperatedly said, "If I gave you any less, I wouldn't be acting."

Replied Cukor, "Exactly!"

Broadway.com

(Sound familiar, news followers?)

Well, the imminent Broadway revival is campaigning to sell tickets -- starting with a promo event yesterday where the big-name-filled cast spoke to us as if at a White House press conference.

That all-important political force: Donald Trump.

And here's what the kids at the bitchy DataLounge.com have to say about that possibility:

Perhaps it's because the hot air has burst out of Kim Kardashian's balloons.

But whatever the case, read Paris Hilton's tweets these days and you'll be invigorated, uplifted, and quite possibly feel your teeth ache.

The sociable socialite is in love with life even more than I'm in love with my Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman DVD.

Here's a bunch of recent chirpy tweets that prove she's the new Mary Poppins: