Betcha Bottom Dollar That Tomorrow . . . There'll Be Bad Musicals

The news that a musical about Anne Frank is being produced in Spain reminded me of how ahead of the curve I was on THAT trend (along with white rap, Uggs, and fisting for dollars)! A couple of years ago, I dreamed up a very high concept musical dealing with plight of Anne Frank while whimsically combining it with that of a less bedraggled heroine. The theme song went like so: "I'm a billionaire who lives in a closet/Can't even leave the house to make a bank deposit/'Cause I'm Annie Warbucks--but I'm also Anne Frank!"

Too sick, even for Mel Brooks to complete? OK, fine, shut up--but did I tell you about my other musical called Miracle, a crowd pleaser about the turbulent early years of Helen Keller? In THAT unbeatable pastiche, another Annie--Ms. Sullivan--sings the immortal showstopper that goes: "Helen, Helen/Stop your yellin', Helen/I can't hear you and you can't hear yourself. . ." Fine, fuck you all, I'll go back to my Bin Laden ballet.

This week's La Dolce Musto: "Oscar Predictions Filled With Greed and Vengeance!"