Another Outrageous Governor Scandal! What Next?

Fresh off Governor David Paterson's admission that he cheated on his wife comes the raucous revelation that he used pot and coke in the 70s! And he probably even inhaled! This is simply stunning, unfathomable news and well worth all the screaming headlines!

Here are some other confessional shockers we'll no doubt soon be fielding from Paterson:

When a cashier once gave him back 10 cents more change than she was supposed to, he simply pocketed it without saying a word.

He has occasionally sampled sodas that were not caffeine-free.

He has sometimes used his blindness to get handicapped parking privileges.

Once, when his wife was sleeping, he snuck out to buy her a surprise anniversary gift.

And most upsettingly...

When people have asked him "How are you?" he has sometimes lied and said "Great! Couldn't be better!"

Before all of these scandals unfold in the public eye, let's nip this shit in the bud right now, folks. Impeach the heathen! He's bad people!