Is Michael Phelps a Hottie?

Free answer: Absolutely! He's lithe, athletic, successful, and he'll be way rich! How on earth could Amanda Bearse dis him with those "eew" remarks? Oh, right, she's a lesbian. No, wait, it was Amanda Beard? Never mind. (Yeah, these are jokes, folks. And if you've already heard me say them on TV, sorry you've been doubly slimed.)

Anyway, this week's column (click here) delves into this tempestuous topic, along with Phelps's sexuality in general—you know, which pool does he swim in?—and that's not all, kids. I also dabble in Tyrese Gibson's non-gay gay role in Death Race, Vin Diesel's sheer gall in promoting Babylon A.D., and everything else from Joey Arias's arresting gender bending to Tommy Chong's in-prison sex life. What more do you want from me, monsters? You people want to rip out my soul!!!

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