Listen Up, Lohan, Bale, and All You Other Celebs in Crisis

You know how most of the people who go on TV to dissect celebrity fashion look like complete wrecks who obviously picked their outfits with their eyes closed? Well, similarly, I'm an utter emotional mess, always on the verge of total collapse, but I feel very comfortable doling out unwanted advice to celebrities so I can tell them how THEY can shape up. "Those who can't, teach" is the old motto—and I'm damned good at it, honey. I might even start a reading school where I teach people how to read anyone famous that I'm a little jealous of. So, why don't YOU read—the new column, that is—and you'll learn what I have to say to help Christian Bale, Lindsay Lohan, the cast of Gossip Girl, and crystal meth addicts. And yes, those ARE all different things!

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Advice to Madonna, Lindsay, Katie, and Meth Addicts