Cock Teases Are Neither Tricks Nor a Treat

The cock teases are out in full force—the ones who throw themselves on you like a Labels For Less suit, stick their tongue down your pipeline, and beg you to call them, then suddenly sober up and become unreachable the very next day. Is it just me or are there armies of people who want you to marry them when they're smashed and there's an audience, but can't seem to even say hi when there's daylight and a hangover? Oh, OK, it IS just me.

Let me explain: Just recently, an Argentinian dog sitter—all shirtless and hot—pounced me at the Cock like one of his very own canines in heat. After many minutes of making a public—and pubic—spectacle, he pleaded with me to keep in touch, so I graciously called a few days later. The gran hombre was big enough to return the call, but he was careful to avoid any actual hookup—and kept doing so for weeks and weeks after that. Cocaine, I suspected, had somehow come between us. Yes, the other man was white and stuck in a baggie!

Then there was the creature with the piercing eyes and longish hair who works at Ye Waverly Inn. He's always plunged his tongue in my mouth without warning, but he went even farther when we crossed paths outside the Maritime Hotel the other week. The guy started deep kissing me while provocatively grabbing my crotch and repeatedly saying he wanted "the mushroom" inside him. A vegetarian! We carried on like this for seemingly an hour, almost knocking over the nearby hot dog stand, and I was sure I'd met my future husband—or at least my cheap late-summer fling. "I want you to make me bleed," he purred, rather clinically. "I can feel my asshole going from this [he made a tiny hand gesture] to this [he mimicked the Black Hole of Calcutta]." That sounded pretty serious—especially when he begged me to call him in order to fulfill this sacred dream. In fact, he told me exactly what time to do so—3 P.M. the next day. I dutifully made the call (waiting till 3:05 to seem a little hard to get) and the brazen little freak didn't pick up! And he never called back!

What's with these filthy lushes making empty promises their anuses can't keep? Honey, if I want a big tease, I'll go to the hair salon!


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