Never Tell Someone They Look Like Someone Famous

Never compare anyone to this woman.

I always forget that volunteering to someone, "You look just like [insert star's name]" is not at all a constructive idea. It never seems to strike the right note of appreciation and in fact it usually backfires like a solicitation to an undercover cop in a bathroom. I was reminded of this the other night when I told an Israeli lesbian at Beige that she reminded me of Debra Messing. Whoopsy! Rather than lick my face in gratitude, the woman almost started spewing blood as her girlfriend practically had to be restrained from getting violent with me, en route, no doubt, to some kind of fiery apocalypse. And this even though I'd been sure to add, "Debra Messing—but younger and prettier, of course!"

It turns out these two dykes don't happen to think Messing is any kind of top-drawer beauty queen. And even if they did, no one wants to be told what they look like via a comparison, especially in a club, where, after a few drinks, they've retreated into an inflated view of their own luminous appeal. The boozy crowd already thinks they're stars and totally resent being identified in relation to any other being.

So even if you're sure, in all saneness, that what you're saying is a huge compliment, don't EVER tell anyone they look like a fabulous celebrity. Don't even tell Debra Messing she looks like Debra Messing! But naturally, there are exceptions to every rule, so feel free to tell me I look like Jake Gyllenhaal.