Who Won and Lost at the Emmys, Lookswise

Oprah Winfrey started things off, looking a bit like the great pumpkin...Glenn Close deserves an award just for still looking like Glenn Close...America Ferrera looked sick when she lost to Tina Fey. But it's Christina Applegate who really should have been pissed. What more do you have to do to win one of these things? The woman cut her fucking lymph nodes out!...Heidi Klum has all the wacky spontaneity of a stormtrooper, but she's much more glamorous.

But the night's biggest tragedy was my idol, Mary Tyler Moore, showing her simultaneously bony yet saggy arms. Even when she was young, Mary wouldn't have worn that kind of glorified Band-Aid dress--she was always a girl-next-door, not a sex bomb, and generally liked to keep things seductively covered. But at 71, the woman must be in full-scale denial, especially since she's married to a surgeon and clearly has an off-base idea of what she looks like. As the camera zoomed in on her geezery matchstick limbs, which looked like vanilla pudding blobs hanging from two melting spatulas, everyone in the room I was watching the telecast in shrieked in horror and promptly covered their faces! We didn't hear a word she said!

Of course if Don Rickles ever wants to show his ancient arms, it's OK by me. He's hot!



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