What Could Be Scarier Than Michael Jackson?

Nothing! Well, maybe Sarah Palin. But admittedly, Jacko's pretty terrifying--particularly his Thriller album, complete with oozy, pustulent video and monster sales. And now that the record is 25 years old, Jacko is clearly trying to upseat Elvira as the queen of Halloween!

First off, on October 30, michaeljackson.com is asking fans to go to the New York Madame Tussauds and break the Guinness Book of World Records for the most people doing the "Thriller" dance at the same time. I think the record so far is five. (Kidding! It must be at least seven! All right, six and a half.)

Then, on Halloween night, zombies with bulging eyeballs and crawling flesh will descend on the Greenwich Village parade to celebrate Thriller's big, old quarter-century anniversary. Some of the zombies are probably people who visited Neverland ranch when they were young boys.

And finally--I'm going by the press release here--the very same night there'll be the official Michael Jackson Thriller anniversary Halloween bash at Opium Garden in Miami. Ooh! Blechhh!

Will Michael Jackson be at any of these "thrilling" events? I strongly doubt it. That's absolutely OK. Neither will I! I'll be dressed like Sarah Palin and chasing criminals down dark alleys