Why Madonna and Guy Were A Bad Idea

*First of all, he's way homophobic. And let's face it: To be married to Madonna and not care for the sight of gays makes as much sense as a diabetic in a candy shop.

*He's a director. Director/star pairings don't work (and yes, I know about Spielberg and whatshername). The director usually fancies himself an auteur genius and the star an utter hack, even though she's way more artful and famous than he is. Disaster!

*She's now a director. That type of thing generally sits on the husband's last nerve like a 400-pound serial killer. And she's trying to do edgy, sexy stuff too. Again: Bad idea!

*The marriage made Madonna come off like she was settled, at peace, and knew all the answers. The result verged on both artistic hari kiri and a p.r. nightmare. A long running home life is generally the opposite of sex. As a result, the A Rod press was the best thing to happen to Madge in years!

*Red ribbons can be very constricting. And they don't always go with your outfit!

But most importantly:

*British people have bad teeth!