Biggest Celebrity Weight Gainers of '08

Who packed on the most pounds last year? (Don't look at me. If I look a little chunky on TV lately, it's because the camera adds 35 pounds. And not where it counts.) Fortunately, Zone Delivery USA, a premier meal delivery service provider, just announced who they think the top five were, and I say yay to this quintet of porkers! They're going against the grain of show biz oppression and having fun at the same time!

They are:

1. Joaquin Phoenix. He's given up on acting, but not on Ring Dings.

2. Mariah Carey. Twice the size of Nick Cannon.

3. Oprah Winfrey. She needs to lose 180 pounds--i.e., Stedman!

4. Matthew Perry. He's now the entire cast of Friends.

5. Jennifer Love Hewitt. On her way to becoming a party of five?

Bravo, fatties. I'm so tired of looking at rich people who look like they're starving! You're my new heroes!