The Most Appalling Types of Behavior in The Theater

I am a total theater queen--in fact, my very first words as a newborn were "This time for me!"--but there are certain kinds of behavior that I simply will not abide from my fellow Broadway customers. The worst offenses are:

*Rustling through one's bag to find candy and then loudly opening it from its plastic wrapper and munching down as it were a marble. I always pray they'll choke.

*Constantly murmuring to each other during the show, having elaborate conversations in an attempt to figure out what the fuck is going on. Funny, I never thought Mamma Mia! or The Little Mermaid were all that hard!

*Reading incoming texts throughout the performance and even texting back! Even if they're texting stuff like "I'm seeing Equus and it's great!", surely that thought could wait till intermission.

*Worst of all: Standing up at the end of every single show! A standing ovation has become the de rigueur finish to each and every overpriced piece of crap that's mounted on any stage. It's as if the tourists are determined to prove they had a great time, so they rise and cheer their guts out over sheer drivel. I rise too--and run home, so I can return all those texts.