Things To Rule Out in '09

As 2009 launches into full gear, it's imperative that we all hold hands, sing "Kumbayah," and say a prayer that the following things from last year won't pop up again and taint it.

*Republicans blabbing on about soccer moms, Joe Six Packs, and Joe the Plumbers. I don't fit into this very limited, hairy, straight view of America. In fact, when this becomes the sole portrait put out about our country, I feel very back-of-the-bus, whereas I happen to know that people like me are DRIVING the bus.

*Celebrity deaths. They're dropping at an alarming rate. I need everyone famous to stay with us and keep making good copy or I can't do my job. I know there are always new ones to fill their place, but I like the old ones better. Stay breathing, people. Drink Jamba Juice.

*Marie Osmond fainting on Dancing With The Stars. It looked so phony I felt weak!

*Big, prurient hoopla made over celeb nudity (Daniel Radcliffe, Miley Cyrus, etc.). Never seen a genital before?

*Broadway musicals based on movies. It's such a cliche already, especially when they then make a movie based on the musical. This can only end in cultural ruin.

*Actors being felled by mercury poisoning. It's become an epidemic--performers eating one too many California rolls and having to instantly return to Hollywood. Lay off the tuna, folks!