Half-Naked Hotties Make a Splash!

Click here for this week's column--an overstuffed sandwich of tawdry, tempestuous gossip and personal opinions. Among the tasty highlights:

*Come visit the hot new indoor pool party, where everyone takes a dive except me. (I can't even doggie paddle.)

*Marvel as a noted comic screams "Kim Basinger is a fucking cunt!" at a once-prestigious awards event.

*Listen in as Brooke Shields fills me with tales of her biggest career regret--that she's tired of being a replacement.

*Rejoice as CollegeHumor.com celebrates its new MTV show, pausing for contemplation as a dart gets poignantly stuck in one of the employees' eyes.

Add lettuce, mayo, and a big grain of salt, and suck it down, kids!