Pedophile Nazi Wins Oscar! Pedophile Priest Loses To Corpse!

How gay were the Oscars? Well, Queen Latifah sat with her trainer girlfriend; Hugh Jackman sat on Frank Langella's lap; Beyonce sang "Over The Rainbow"; Milk writer Dustin Lance Black and star Sean Penn gave stirring speeches about how God loves the gays; and kisses from that film were included in the romance AND comedy montages!

Unfortunately, the ratings were probably so bad they can now blame queers for one more thing!

As for the winners, Penelope Cruz copped Supporting Actress, and now they can advertise the upcoming movie Nine as "starring SIX Oscar winners!"

Dying poignantly proved to be the right career move for Heath Ledger, who thankfully nabbed the award--if anyone else had done so, they'd surely be the most hated man on the planet.

And Sean Penn won Best Actor, not only because he was terrific, but because the Oscars love nothing more than a straight person who plays gay, especially if he dies at the end. Only Jake Gyllenhaal broke this rule, maybe because they weren't sure he's straight?

But those musical numbers! They were so witless and choppy that Marc Shaiman had to leave a message on a Broadway chat board saying, "For the record, I had nothing to do with the musical numbers this year. 'Nuff said."