Broadway Beauties Battle For Cutie Crown

Unlike Miss USA, the Broadway Beauty Pageant--a benefit for the Ali Forney Center, hosted by Tovah Feldshuh--didn't attract anyone who felt gay marriage was a bad idea. Even the token straight contestant--a hottie from Billy Elliot--said he's always supported the gays and added that the longest gay pride parade he ever saw was in his hometown of Portland, Oregon. "That wasn't a parade," deadpanned judge Charles Busch. "You were misinformed. It was the whole town! Leaving with suitcases and chickens in cages!"

The winner was Mr. Hair, Anthony Hollock, who was wacky and hairy and revealed--when asked--that the great majority of the show's cast don't shave down there. (Having seen the show, I already knew that.) But Hollock said people should be way more concerned with the weapons the show's about, not the genitals. Gosh, I didn't know those were two different things!

At the climax of the smash evening, last year's winner, the super talented Marty Thomas, belted a Whitney Houston tune with a force that could blow even Adam Lambert off a stage. "When I was a kid, I beat Britney Spears on Star Search," he divulged, seriously. "And we can see who came out on top of that battle. She's not Mr. Broadway!"