What's The Point of Being a Size Queen?

Everything big is adored in this country, from bucks to hair to nerve. And when gay guys--or straight women--talk about penises, the very same principle strangely applies. "That guy has a big dick," people gush, as if that were really an accomplishment.

But what's so great about having (or getting) a giant one? Have people forgotten the old Diana Vreeland motto "Less is more"? Is an oversized tool really the most practical thing to try and accommodate? When faced with one, might you not gag or scream or realize the condom doesn't quite fit, not to mention other things not fitting? Isn't quality more important than quantity, or should I just shut my big hole about it?

I say we all fight to rectify this imbalanced situation and instead celebrate plain, old, regular-sized appendages--or even smaller-than-regular ones. Let's train ourselves to coo stuff like, "Look at that hottie over there! And I hear he's a real Princess Tiny Meat! Woof!"