Dirty Martini Comes Clean!

One of the zingiest presences on the scene, Dirty Martini--aka "the chairman of the broad"--is a Rubensian beauty who knows how to shake it up (literally) while stirring an audience so fervently they're afraid to get up because the seat is wet.

I gave the good-time gal a call (and no, it wasn't on a 550 number) and got the dish on Dirty.

Musto: Hi, darling. What makes you so damned sexy?

Dirty Martini: I was blessed with the ability to completely forget all my mistakes right after they occur, and I have a mystical filter in my eye--when I look in the mirror, I see myself at my best...or at least 20 pounds thinner. Thank god I never got addicted to coke because any more self confidence would maybe not be such a good idea for me.

Musto: Is this the life you dreamed of as a child?

Dirty Martini: When I was a child, I dreamed of dancing at the Maryinsky in Russia. Swan Lake was on the program, but I've had to modify that a bit. I have, however, performed in a complete replica of Marie Antoinette's theater at Versailles built in 1766 in France. I'm not so far off from my original dream, even if the feathers are on my vag instead of my head. New York is like a 99-cent store. You remake yourself as a cheap knockoff of your original dream and the more you own what you have it becomes more precious to you.

Musto: What was your hottest encounter with a celebrity?

Dirty Martini: Aside from you? Pedro Almodovar walked right up to me and said, "Thank you for being who you are." Then Julie Atlas Muz and I chased his SUV down 4th Avenue like rabid wolverines. I love him like I love Fellini and Pina Bausch, RIP.

Musto: Same here. Is a recession good for the erotic entertainment industry?

Dirty Martini: Hells, yes. When the going gets tough, the tough get strippin'. The first thing people do in times of crisis is drink and try and have a laugh to forget their troubles. Broadway might be suffering, but come to the Lower East Side on a Saturday night and the Slipper Room is packed at 5 bucks a head and they're getting a $20 show full of invention, camaraderie and cheap thrills.

Musto: Deal. Future plans?

Dirty Martini: I have become aware of the phenomenon involving the year 2012 and the destruction of the world, and I have just one thing to say about it...I'm so glad that I didn't follow anyone's advice and study something to fall back on. I moved to NYC to be an artist and I'll be goddamned if I don't sink into the Atlantic with my pasties twirling. Before that happens, I hope to be in Cannes next year with the film "Tournee" directed by and starring fancy French film actor Mathieu Amalric and at Sundance with my documentary by Gary Beeber called Dirty Martini and the New Burlesque. Fingers crossed.

Musto: Pasties too!