Give Yourself a Hand!
No, I mean literally. You can buy "The Hand" at a place called Village Pleasure at 88 Christopher Street, where its seductive digits cost a mere $65. And you don't even have to take it out for dinner! Just snuggle up with it in bed, whisper some sweet nothings to its wrinkly knuckles, and then ram it way up your butt for some hot Saturday night lovin'. (But if you liked it, then you should have put a ring on it.)
And by the way, that reminds me of my favorite joke:
A gay guy begs his trick, "Shove your hand way up my ass." The trick gleefully obliges him. The guy then implores, "Now shove the other one up there too." His date graciously complies. "Now clap," demands the horny bottom. "Um, I can't," says the partner after trying.
"Tight, huh?" replies the guy.