When Were You Nearest To Death's Door?

• The closest to death's door was the first time I had anal sex. The guy who did the penetrating was at least 11 inches long and incredibly thick. I figured since a daily bowel movement could pass through that exit hole, then why not a human penis. Oh my God was I wrong! I saw that proverbial light at the end of the tunnel, I saw St. Peter masturbating at the gates of heaven and even Satan had his hands over his ears to drown out the sound of my screams. Well I survived and never, ever have I tried to venture near death's door.

• The closest to death's door was the first time I had anal sex. The guy who did the penetrating was at least 11 inches long and incredibly thick. I figured since a daily bowel movement could pass through that exit hole, then why not a human penis. Oh my God was I wrong! I saw that proverbial light at the end of the tunnel, I saw St. Peter masturbating at the gates of heaven and even Satan had his hands over his ears to drown out the sound of my screams. Well I survived and never, ever have I tried to venture near death's door.

• In a car that had an exhaust leak into the passenger compartment that was putting us all to sleep. I was in the front seat, half aware, watching the car fly off a cliff. Witnesses said the car flipped over three times in the air before landing right side up. I was aware the whole time we were in the air, fully conscious that I had less than a minute before the car hit the ground and I would either be dead or possibly paralyzed for life. I was hoping for either dead or walk away unhurt. And then my brain kicked in with the video it has ready for times like this when death is imminent, to make things go a bit easier.

• Playing basketball with my brother and friends. Mom sets the trash out the back door to take to the barrel. I jumped up for a pass, triped over the trash and went headfirst through the old (before safety glass) storm door. A long sliver punctured my juglar vein. Applied pressure, along with my neck muscles, slowed the bleeding. Mom took me to our neighborhood doc right at closing time. As soon as he had me lay down on the table, my neck muscles relaxed and blood hit the ceiling. I ended up with 4 stitches on the vein, and seven on the skin. He said I could have bleed to death in 90 seconds.

• My father decided to teach me how to swim by tossing my skinny little butt in the water, I nearly drowned but luckily he rescued me.

• Holy crap E, that is terrifying. The infant story sounds straight out of Potemkin.

• Nearly drowned at age 4 in the pool and when I was six I got caught under a crowded playground wheel for about ten seconds until some stranger grabbed me and took me to my mother. Thanks, stranger! Seizures between age 9 and 12. Fell off my bike and my helmet cracked in half at age 14.

• A horrible auto accident. The driver was critically hurt. The passenger ended up with a lot of fractures and bruises and impaired hearing. I somehow emerged with barely a scratch. But it was SCARY!!!!

• Several times - here are two. Jones Beach I was around 5 years old with my 7 year old sister supervising and our mother off partying with her pals. I was tumbling head over heels underwater for what seemed like eternity & had to be rescued from deep waters by a stranger. Infant in Park Slope. Mother goes into candy store with my sister to have a soda at the counter. She didn't realize that she hadn't set the brake on the carriage she parked me in outside the store. She loves to tell this story and strongly stresses how traumatic it was "for her" when a man rushed into the store yelling that a baby had toppled out of a carriage and into the path of traffic. Lovely.

• every week when I try to read the Village Voice and see the piece of utter unreadable shit it has become, with the sole exception of La Dolce Musto !!

• I was driving down a narrow icy mountain road at 3 in the morning. The car hit some black ice, did two 360s, and finally stopped, facing the same way I was going. I was okay until I got out, walked to the side of the road, and saw two half-circle cutouts in the snow where the front of the car had actually swung out over the cliff. Twice! So lucky.

• Daho, that gave me chills running down my spine.

• While watching Juliette Lewis in The Other Sister. Terrible film.

• Standing on my apartment terrace on September 11, 2001. Deutsche Bank took the hit when Tower Two came down.

• Definitely after having some awful cancer surgery. And one time when almost falling out of a ride at an amusement park.

• r u " still here" or were u killed...? maybe all was created just 1 sec ago complete w "memories" & "history". things never were that clear-cut...

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