What's Your Best Comeback Line?

• I hope this is funny, I thought of it today at school; this guy flipped me off and I said,"You've got a little shit stuck under your finger nail".  Everyone thought it was good.

• i'm going beat your ass. ha you going to do what to my ass

• One of my male, and ugly, co-workers kept on hitting on me and wouldn't take no for an answer. One morning he walked up to me while I was chatting with some of the other employees and smirked " I had a dream about you last night.." to which I replied " Your dreams and my nightmares." He left me alone after that.

• After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the indefinable is music

• http://tacomalimos.showinprogress.com/

• When someone says something illconcieved I usually respond," I cant argue with logic like that". If they get a smug look on their face I try not to gloat.

• When someone says something illconcieved I usually respond," I cant argue with logic like that". If they get a smug look on their face I try not to gloat.

• "fuck you" "no thanx, your mum already obliged"

• Do me a favor, suck my dick and tell me the flavor.

• OH YEAH!!! well your grandmother, mother and maiden aunt all wear hobnailed combat boots!!!

• Some friends and I were discussing family holidays one time. One of my bitchiest friends starting going on and on about her mother's Chex Mix. I mentioned that I had never tried the stuff. She replied incredulously, "Your mother never made Chex Mix?", clearly trying to embarrass me in front of the group. I replied, "My mother doesn't get her recipes off the back of a cereal box." That shut her up right quick.

• I'm not sure anyone can top johnny carson. The way I recall it is that Carson turned to Winnie Palmer (Arnold's wife) and asked if she and her husband had any pre-tournament superstitions. To which she replied, "He has me kiss his balls." After about 2 minutes of continuous laughter, Carson quipped, "I'll bet that makes his putter rise."

• Ah, that's what Angel said to the skinhead in RENT.

• The #1 timeless comeback for all gays--drum roll and all together please--"I'm more man than you'll ever be and more woman than you'll ever get!"

• Rubs index finger and thumb together: You hear this? This is the sound of the world's smallest violin player for you. That's borrowed from Tarantino, this is borrowed from Hitchens with some liberties: If you had an enema I could fit the rest of you in a matchbox. 'Cuz you're full of shit. Then there's this in honor of Dianne Sawyer: Diane, tell me, do you know? Do you really know? Do you really know? First of all let's get one thing straight: Crack is cheap. I make too much money to ever smoke crack, let's get THAT straight. Okay? I don't do that, I don't do that. CRACK IS WHACK.

• "Need a match? Your breath and a buffalo fart."

• Back in college, this classmate would make a big shit if I came to class late due to my job situation. No matter how often I told her not to do that she insisted on asking me where I was. I just got fed up! So one day I turned towards the cunt to say, "I told you to wake me up before you left for class. But I guess you are mad because you are sore from the anal sex we had last night!" The whole class, who were mostly girls, gasped! The bitch never bugged me again!

• Once my brother walked into the house and said "Where's the ugly thing?" (meaning me) Then I walked out of my room and said "Oh! walk down the hall take a right, you should be in the bathroom,look in the mirror. You'll find it!"

• Once my mean cousin was walking in to get more makeup.She said "Makeup is so annoying you always have to get more and more. I wish I could just put a paper bag over my head." then I said "Honey, we all do!"

• Once my mean cousin was walking in to get more makeup.She said "Makeup is so annoying you always have to get more and more. I wish I could just put a paper bag over my head." then I said "Honey, we all do!"

• "Oh yeah, Reilly? Well, the Jerk Store called, and they're running out of you." "Your cranium called. It's got some space to rent." - Elaine "The zoo called. You're due back by six." - Jerry

• unfortunately my come back lines are rubbish and that doesnnt cover quite how bad they are, as someone else mentioned I only ever get any good ones after the event has happened and I am stewing over things.

• "If I was looking for shit - I'd pick it off your teeth."

• Guess I'll recycle my Canada line from earlier this year. Can't think of any others. But I'm famous for, as my friends say, "coming back ugly" if you get to me. "When I was on vacation earlier this year, I was touring some ruin and a woman asked a question about it. "Good question," I said, to be nice. She turned around and said (with a smirk): That's because I'm from Canada. My response? "Where's that?""

• One evening I was accosted by a group of young people and one yelled out, "Hey, are you gay?" Without batting an eye I said, "Yes, of course. Weren't you watching while I fucked your father last night?" It caused him to be the laughing stock instead of ME!!

• This is the late playwright Jean Kerr's comeback when someone approached her in a theater lobby and asked if she was indeed, Jean Kerr. "Don't be ridiculous," Kerr said. "She's a much younger woman."

• When I lived in New York in the mid 70s, people often remarked how much I resembled a well-known gay author. One night, as I was leaving Chumley's someone motioned to me from a table. I walked over, and he said, "We've been talking about you. Do you realize you look just like -----?" I didn't even think about it. The words came out on their own. "I certainly do as much as he's paid my mother and me not to talk about it."

• A dear friend of mine recommends that when someone calls you a "faggot," you reply, "Should I be offended or is that your mating call?"

• My best comeback lines always occur long after the fact while I'm lying in bed stewing - "Damn! Why didn't I say that!" I was sitting beside someone who had a good one - on the bus, this young guy was coming on to my (female) friend. His opening line was that he was from some weird-sounding place neither of us had heard of. "Is that a planet?" my friend asked. Well, I thought it was funny.

• "Is that guy my type?" a friend asked me the other night, pointing to a cute twink in a bar. "Sure," I replied. "He accepts PayPal."

• "Is John Garfield gay? How would I know? He never sucked MY cock."

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