"An Obese, Tattoo'd, Smut-Mouthed, Wheelchair-Bound, Bitchy Artist ...
...who is fucking fed up about the utter lack of individuals with disabilities not speaking up!"
That's how Atlanta artist/writer Jessica Elaine Blinkhorn pitched herself to me, and I bit faster than a Sex and the City actress offered a sequel.
I've linked one of her pieces, which details exactly how you should carry on sex acts with a disabled person in case you're lucky enough to get that opportunity.
Deal with and take it seriously, fuckers!
How to Fuck a Wheelchair Woman or Me
By Jessica Elaine Blinkhorn
Tip one, for all those cocks out there thinking that they are fit enough to plow a woman of such gargantuan size who rolls: Fucking while in said chair is a big not gonna get off! If you should ever try this maneuver, be prepared to catch 280lbs. of hot, wet sex crashing down post coital!
Tip two; foreplay can turn into "forward out of the way" if the wheelchair is not off. When engaging in foreplay with your will chair bound mamma, set adjacent with open legs for us to park our love machine. This assists with the closeness between you and your partner and insures there will not be the always awkward "Fuck, you ran over my toe" dance.
Now remember, foreplay is a way of saying "hello" to one another's body before the big bang goes down. But, what do you do when your love mate can't physically participate at the level in which you play the game? You improvise. Never expect us non-ambulatory females to get down on our knees and undo your pants with our teeth. We need some assistance please. Playful kiss and roam our body. When you feel our hand slowly creeping up your thigh, mind you, this is not a form of teasing we just move slow, retract, raise a brow and look down. We know what you are asking. Bring it on out, we are ready to shake hands and make a new friend.
Tip three; hand jobs go nowhere when you have the grip of a granny. Let us watch.
Tip four; be ready to be one person performing the act of two people. We know when it's time to get down with the get down but we need help lying down.
Ask us rolling goddesses to put our chair in reverse. Once you are free from our mechanically embrace, ask, "How are we doing this?" Now, I am aware that men are insecure about asking for directions but in this scenario your ignorance is our bliss and let's us know we are controlling the show because you are a dumb ass. If your hot-wheel is of small stature, lovingly place one arm around her back and the other behind her knees, squat and lift.
Carry her to the place where you lay your head to lay some pipe! But, if hot-wheel is big wheels like me ask for the other set of wheels.bring in the crane boy's! Load us up in our lift, roll us to the bed and drop it like it's hot!
Tip five, mounting the immobile. Now that your short bus sutra is flat on her back it is time to divide and conquer. Gently open our legs and lay on top of us. Obviously, it would be considered bad etiquette to begin plowing away. You have to oil up our gears before we start turning our wheels. Look in our eyes and move our hair from our faces, this shows us you are considerate, gentle, and, fuck, we can't do it so someone must! Kiss us gentle, tease us, play with our breast and allow your hands to survey our territory.
When the panting ensues, it's all up to you! Do not and I repeat do not think about tearing our clothes off! We have the agility of a garden slug and the muscle control of a new born. If you jostle us about we might fly from our magic carpet and into the ER! Allow the undressing to function as foreplay. As your hands roam, slide your palms between cloth and skin and shed our wardrobe seductively!
And, while I understand you feel the need to as if we are ok or if you are hurting us, please keep, in mind once is enough. If we are bold enough to allow the search and seizure, we are capable of saying, "Hey, slow down or Fucker, be careful!"
Tip six, Dun-du-dun, CHARGE! If this is the first javelin throw for your special Olympian, remember, if at first you don't succeed try and try again! Go slow and treat us as if we are taking our first steps. Hold our hands and guide us into womanhood. But, if your wheelchair wench has spun-out before there is a chance she might scream harder, faster, deeper, more, more! Enter slowly, and let her guide you! Maybe she will want a slap on the ass, a pull of the main, a grip of the wrist, the whips and chains! After all, we are like children at the state fair, it might only come once a year so we want to ride every ride. Please excuse the lack of movement during intercourse our bodies might be weakened but our minds are more than willing. If you suggest a position change to spice up the activity explain your intentions, if we find it feasible, we will be ready to safely saddle up and ride that pony to O-town.
Tip seven. O no! What now? Orgasms are amazing but post coital clean up is a one-man show. Most guys, who are just in it for sex typically get-off and get-up, don't be that guy!
More than likely your limp legged beauty will demonstrate a certain amount of embarrassment but, for you, this is your chance to grab the brass ring and seal the deal for another spin of the wheel! Without saying a word, excuse yourself and come back ready to clean like a grade school janitor. We will be floored by your selflessness and your willingness to play nurse.
Now that you know the do's and don'ts of sex with the orthopedically impaired, the sky is the limit! Like Damon Wayans said in In Living Color, never underestimate the power of the handicap! We are eager to prove and wanting to get off!