"There's No Way I'm Going to Jersey Without My Hair Gel."

If I ever go back to Jersey, I'll surely be brave enough to do it sans gel -- and even sans undies.

I'm just quoting one of the beach blanket witticisms in the new Gym, Tanning, Laundry: The Official 'Jersey Shore' Quote Book, which is as chockfull of epigrams as a pizza drips with cheese and shit.

No, it's not exactly Shakespeare, but still, you have to marvel at such moxie-ish Garden State pronouncements as:

"The boys, like, always stare at me as I'm eating pickles 'cause they're fucking perverts."

"I'm the sweetest bitch you'll ever meet. But do not fuck with me."

"I am like a preying mantis. After I have sex with a guy, I will rip their fucking heads off."

"Basically, one of these girls was definitely more cuter than the other."

And of course the immortal: "Yeah, we smushed."