'You Gotta Get A Gimmick' Rewritten By Me!

I have a lot of free time, folks, so I've sat down and retooled "You Gotta Get a Gimmick" from Gypsy as if it were sung by Lana Turner, Rita Hayworth, and Ava Gardner to rising starlet Kim Novak back in the 1950s.

Before you call the men with the white suits, check out this theater queen flight of fancy and see if it deserves a Broadway production -- or at least dinner theater.

Here goes:

"YOU GOTTA GET A GIMMICK" (1950s Hollywood remix)

LANA TURNER:

You can act, you can act, you can act, act, act
That doesn't make you rich
I can't act, I can't act, I can't act, act, act
But I'm quite a sexy bitch

You will look much better
If you wear a sweater
It's a revolution in breasts

Cause if you wear a sweater
You'll be passing your screen tests

RITA HAYWORTH:

You can oomph, you can oomph, you can oomph, oomph, oomph
That's how burlesque was born
But I oomph and I oomph and I oomph, oomph, oomph
As if I'm in Spanish porn

I am so Hispanic
And I dance real manic
I never have to sweat to get laid

So don't be in a panic
You will never play a maid

AVA GARDNER:

Me I uh, me I uh, me I uh, uh, uh
That doesn't spell success
So I uh and I uh any man on earth
Who's a total mess

Dressy wessy Ava
Is doing you a favor
By telling you you have to date trolls

Cause if you schtup an asshole
Kimmie girl you'll reach your goals

ALL THREE:

You're more than just a mimic
When you got a gimmick
Take a look how different we are

Date someone ugly, anyone that's ugly...

You'll look much better if you wear a sweater...

Be muy Hispanic, dancing very manic...

Get yourself a gimmick and you -- too --

Can be a star!