Bette Davis vs. Joan Crawford: Two Shows About Them!

By Michael Musto Tue., Apr. 12 2011 at 10:30 AM

bette_davis_and_joan_crawford_in_whatever_happened_to_baby_jane_trailer.jpg

Well, there have been two Alien vs. Predators, so why the hell not?

And the battling Hollywood battleaxes are ripe for dramatization, their every bitchy contention (like Bette's that she was a real actress while Joan was a mere movie star) begging to be pronounced on a legit stage.

So something called Bette & Joan is opening in London in May, while an American production of that play may be in the works, considering the recent reading starring Christine Ebersole as brassy Bette and Jan Maxwell as faux demure Joan.

Meanwhile, an ambitious creative type named Michael Penny told me he's written a musical version of B & J's legendary feud, so I begged him for sneak peek.

Penny supplied me with the lyrics to this pivotal song, in which Joan's daughter Christina Crawford croons about her sad life in the closet.

Hush, hush, sweet Charlotte and took a look.

(A Closet in JOAN CRAWFORD'S house. CHRISTINA discovered huddled under a blanket with a flashlight.)

CHRISTINA
IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM DOING IN HERE,
I'M HIDING, OF COURSE, FROM MY MOTHER!
WHEN MOMMIE STARTS DRINKING I JUST DISAPPEAR
WHILE SHE DOWNS ONE AFTER ANOTHER!
IF YOU HOPE TO GET THROUGH IT BE QUIET AS A MOUSE,
TONIGHT MOMMIE'S DEMONS ARE HAUNTING THE HOUSE...!

MOMMIE DEAREST'S
AT HER QUEEREST
WHEN SHE'S IN HER DRINKING MOOD,
EVERYONE GOES
ON THEIR TIP-TOES
THROUGH THE HOUSE WHEN MOMMIE'S STEWED!
THROUGH THE WALLS YOU'LL HEAR THE LAUGHTER,
DOWN THE HALLS THE SOBBING AFTER,
WITHOUT PAUSE SHE'LL RAISE A RAFTER
IN MY HAUNTED HOUSE...!

JOAN (Off-stage, screaming.)
Christina!

CHRISTINA (Whispering.)
IN MY HAUNTED HOUSE!

WHEN SHE'S LOST IT
FIND A CLOSET,
YOU'LL BE THERE A DAY OR TWO,
TRY TO LAST OUT
'TILL SHE'S PASSED OUT
OR PERHAPS FORGOTTEN YOU!
SURELY SEEMS TO BE SOME GHOSTS THERE,
YOU'LL HEAR SCREAMS THAT COME FROM NO WHERE,
YOU'LL HAVE DREAMS LIKE IN A NIGHTMARE
IN MY HAUNTED HOUSE...!

JOAN
Christina!
CHRISTINA
IN MY HAUNTED HOUSE!

IF YOU'VE WANTED
SOMETHING HAUNTED
YOU WON'T NEED A LATE LATE SHOW,
MOMMIE DEAREST
HITS THE SPIRITS
AND WE'VE EDGAR ALLEN POE!
LIE IN STATE LIKE IN A TOMB HERE,
JUST YOU WAIT, YOU'LL MEET WITH DOOM HERE,
AS A PLATE SAILS THROUGH THE ROOM HERE
IN MY HAUNTED HOUSE...!

JOAN
Christina!

CHRISTINA
IN MY HAUNTED HOUSE!

JOAN
Christina!

CHRISTINA
IN MY HAUNTED HOUSE!

(CHRISTINA closes the door of the closet.)

END OF SCENE TWO

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Jeff_nycguy

Won't hold my breath on this one

HollandReader

Last week when I had nothing else to do, I pulled up a lot of Bette Davis interviews on youtube, some pre-stroke and some post. All of them fascinating, though she did the same routine on 2 shows, post-stroke. In any case, it was time well spent, if you're a Davis fan. I don't find Joan so riveting...

As for you, Steve, you shouldn't even be reading a column like Mr Musto's if you're so opposed to the Gay Agenda (!!!). Stick to the Bible. And keep it to yourself.

Bibbs

That's a joke, right, Steve? Please tell me that's a joke.

Steve Ignoble

How dare you promote this abomination? We have been fighting this man's vile work down here in North Carolina for some time now...he’s the musical John Waters of the Bible Belt, a pied piper for the Gay Agenda, creating one offensive production after another. We picketed Over The Rainbows, and shut down The Queen Of Jalalabad before it could open. Now you want to let the genie out of the bottle and give this purveyor of perversion national attention? Helping him soil the reputations of screen legends like Bette Davis and Joan Crawford by airing their dirty laundry in tawdry song and dance routines? Lawrence of Arabia never conquered a labia, indeed! (Act One, Scene 8). Michael Musto, God will surely punish you for this.

Steve IgnobleChair, Called2Adam, the largest organization for recovering gays in Durham, NC

normadesmond

if this is for real: go away, you bother me.

Dugaldo

Steve. Would you believe I don't know shit about these two old dames all you queens are cackling about? But I do love a good rim job.

Movielover

Why don't you come to New York, Stevie, and we'll show you how it's done. You might even start sucking dick again.

Velour

"She's in the closet" sounds like the story of Lana Turner and HER daughter.

Rabbit

"She's in the closet, Joan!"

Musto

It lasted a LONG time, starting with their early days I've read an entire book on it.

MSpeer

If anyone can pull this off it's Ebersole and Maxwell. However....the question is whether their feud was actually long enough and real enough to warrant a show.

I mean, they each may have disliked each other but did they go out of their way during the height of their careers to purposely antagonize each other or were they just leading their lives and doing their jobs?

Any thoughts from anyone on this?

Stevie S.

"When she's lost it, find a closet"

Dear God, if this sample is the best of the lot, then we're in for one helluva bumpy night.

Tym

Love it!! Lol..Tym

Movielover

This seems like great fun! I think a couple of drag queens did a dueling Bette & Joan. My fave recipe for a Bette impression: Walk like a bear. Rotate your elbow. Puff furiously on a cig. Say, "What?" with a question mark and then, "a dump." Hope they do Joan trying to woo Bette. That's a tasty tidbit. Bette could be quite butch, but didn't seem to have the Sappho gene.