The Most Clever Sayings In History, Part One

Categories: Open Questions

220px-Woody_Allen_at_the_premiere_of_Whatever_Works.jpg

One of mine is courtesy of the great auteur Woody Allen:

"Comedy is tragedy, plus time," he had one of his Crimes and Misdemeanors characters spout in an inspired moment.

In other words, you may have stubbed your toe and been in absolute agony last week, but by now it's become a hilarious story you can tell your friends over cocktails.

Actually, seeing as I had to explain that one, maybe it wasn't so profound after all.

I'll go with two other Woody-isms:

"I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member."

And his referring to masturbation as "sex with someone I love."

You got any better sayings?

Help me out with some pith. (Not necessarily from Woody. Just from someone -- or even just from an embroidered pillow.)

Make it brilliant -- and self-explanatory!

Hopefully by time you do, the tragedy of this post will seem more amusing.


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74 comments
Melinda9
Melinda9

there is some shit i will not eat. - e.e. cummings

penny arcade
penny arcade

People complain about being used but think of all the people who are never used. Life is much harder fro them.

Quentin Crisp

Timmay Barlow
Timmay Barlow

"I should have known my ex-boyfriend and I wouldn't get along. I'm a Scorpio and he's a BITCH!" I think my ex actually made that one up. LOL.

Reading this was great fun! Can't wait to read more.

Bukuso
Bukuso

the mouth, hand and the penis are the parents of all problems

Sister Mary Margaret
Sister Mary Margaret

Not sure who said this one, but I love it:  "There are two kinds of people in the world:  those who think there are two kinds of people in the world and those who don't."

Skyhillan
Skyhillan

Winston again:Lady Astor said to him "Sir, if you were my husband I'd poison your coffee," to which he replied..."Madam, if you were my wife I'd drink it."

Movielover
Movielover

stop me if you've heard this one...Looks fade.  Fortunes come and go.  But a big dick is forever.

charlufan
charlufan

Mark Twain on Richard Wagner...

"His music is better than it sounds."

"You know you are at Wagner opera when the performance begins at 6:00 and five hours later it is 6:15."

Objoyful1
Objoyful1

 I'm not afraid of dying, I just don't want to be there when it happens. -Woody

Zander Crews
Zander Crews

On bad table service:

"There's a reason he's a waiter."  

Tallsonofagun
Tallsonofagun

The Woody Allen quote that my husband and I used on our wedding announcements:

"I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox." 

Melinda9
Melinda9

Speaking of Mark Twain quotes, I love this one from him: Familiarity breeds contempt - and children. Also: Stop philosophizing about what a good man is, and be one. - Marcus Aurelius

Alcid
Alcid

 Here's 2 from Mark Twain:

Everybody talks about the weather but nobody does anything about it.

Golf is a good walk spoiled

snarker
snarker

"When fools talk, only other fools listen." My Grandmother 

Jim Testa
Jim Testa

Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it depends on what you put into it. - Tom Lehrer

Rex Renato
Rex Renato

From George Burns, and I may not have it exactly:

"I knew I was old when having sex was like playing pool with a piece of rope." 

Rex Renato
Rex Renato

"Listen to me.  Don't do what anybody tells you." 

Mike Diamond
Mike Diamond

'You can never have too many hats, gloves, and shoes.' - Patsy Stone, fashion editor

"I guess there's just two kinds of people, Miss Sandstone: MY kind of people, and assholes. It's rather obvious which category you fit into. Have a nice day." -Connie Marble, entrepreneur.

"No man ever put his hand up a woman's skirt looking for a library card." -Joan Rivers, living legend

"I'm a pretty good judge of people...That's why I don't like none of em..." -Roseanne, working class hero

 

Smokedturkey
Smokedturkey

More Woody Allen.  "It's difficult to prove that God doesn't exist.  You got to have faith."

latenitebump
latenitebump

to be or not to be. that is the question. william shakespeare.all men are dogs. octavia  st. laurent

Aee
Aee

At my age, flowers scare me.

George Burns

Lisa
Lisa

My favourite  one is from House Md:"I fear for the human race. A teenager claims to be the voice of God and people with advanced degrees are listening."

Beanie2670
Beanie2670

Ava Gardner: Deep down I'm really quite shallow.

Beanie2670
Beanie2670

Joining the club etc. was originally penned by Groucho Marx and not the Woodmesiter, i.e. He wouldn't join any club that would have him as a member.

Chuck
Chuck

 "It is better to shoot for the moon and miss than to shoot at a skunk and hit it"

Jimbeaux
Jimbeaux

Another Woodyism - `Sex without love is an empty Experience, but as far as empty experiences go, well, it`s right up there` 

MSpeer
MSpeer

And speaking of embroidered pillows, here's one I love:

If it's not one thing it's your mother.

Young Scuba
Young Scuba

"When u fall on the concrete, thats yo ass fault (asphalt)"-Kanye West

Mr. E
Mr. E

" It's the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time."~ Tallulah Bankhead

Skreddyduke
Skreddyduke

 groucho marx said the line about the club

MarilynLastman
MarilynLastman

 The Oscar Willde quip about the drapes quoted above was actually said by fellow aesthete Ronald Firbank.

I'll throw in "Time wounds all heels."

Dorothy Parker, I think...

Movielover
Movielover

Sex is like pizza.  Even if it's not very good, it's still pretty good.

Movielover
Movielover

I'd love to kiss yuh, but I just washed my hair.  I'm not sure if it's clever, but I love it because it makes no sense and you can say it to just about anyone, at any time!

Gioke
Gioke

 I have no idea of the future. that s what I like about fashion. It s paradise now (Karl Lagerfeld)

Melinda9
Melinda9

One of my favorites - 'As scarce as the truth is, the supply has always been in excess of the demand.' - Josh Billings (Henry Wheeler Shaw).Also - 'Truths are illusions which we have forgotten are illusions' - Friedrich Nietzsche         'Ah, better be a poor fisherman than meddle with the government of men.' - Georges          Jacques Danton

jonster
jonster

"I am two with nature."  - Woody Allen. 

franco
franco

 Relatives are like shoes, the tighter they are, the more they hurt!

Where there are too many roosters, daybreak never comes!

Terrorism is the war of the poor and war is the terrorism of the rich.

- Sir Peter Ustinov

 

Those who say it cannot be done, shouldn't interrupt the person doing it.

- Chinese proverb

I already gave my best and I have no regrets.

- William Hung

You can do a lot of things to me Michelle, but you don't fuck my tenor.

- John Phillips

SEX is the great leveler:

TASTE is the great divider

- Pauline Kael

... and this one tailor made for you MM:

Never pass up a chance to have sex or appear on television.

- Gore Vidal

Southern Dave
Southern Dave

From Mel Brooks:

"Tragedy is I get a hangnail and it REALLY HURTS and I go to Cedars-Sinai.

Comedy is you fall down an open sewer and die."

Rabbit
Rabbit

A few from one of my favorites:

"I used to be Snow White, but I drifted." Mae West

"You know, it was a toss-up between me goin' in for diamonds or singin' in the choir. The choir lost." Mae West.

Character: "Ok. I've changed my mind."Mae: "Does it work any better?"

 

Nark
Nark

OK, one more retard who chimes in with the same remark that FIVE other people have already said. If you assholes are you going to stop by and make a correction, can you at least bother to read ANY of the comments before you do your nyah-nyah "I'm so smart" routine?

Rex Renato
Rex Renato

Good girls go to Heaven; Bad girls go EVERYWHERE. 

Redhead
Redhead

Another illiterate who can't see that four people have already pointed that out. You're so quick to make a quickie correction and prove how smart you are that you can't even read.

franco
franco

 If you are what you eat, and you know what you're eating, do you know who you are?- Claude Fischler, 2004

Natali
Natali

Love that last one! And of course there's the classic, "Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?" ;)

Movielover
Movielover

I used to have a cattle ranch, but I had to sell it.  Couldn't keep my calves together. (Mae)

Rex Renato
Rex Renato

Don't be so cruel and nasty AND judgmental, will you please? 

AndrewMilner
AndrewMilner

"I object to all this sex on the television. I mean, I keep falling off." -- Monty Python

Rex Renato
Rex Renato

The 21st Century liberated trollop might say, "Is that your BRAIN in your pocket..?" 

Aege8th
Aege8th

What about "My left leg's Christmas.  My right leg's New Year's.  Come visit me between the holidays."  Another classic Mae West-ism.

Rabbit
Rabbit

I hadn't heard that one before!

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