Why I Hate Being Gay! 62 Reasons!

Categories: Gaaaaayyyyyy


Click here for my column detailing the reasons I despise being gay.

You know: "You assume the Super Bowl is a large household item at Pottery Barn. ... Your entire wardrobe consists of male designers having a midlife crisis ...

"You spend your whole life fighting for rights you don't even want for yourself. (Marriage and the military? Blech! No thanks!) ... Gym was the bane of your entire childhood, but now you spend $1,350 a year on it ..."

And on and on, till you'll be kvetching along with me in perfect harmony.

Most of the items have to do with the oppression one still faces, but some of them stem from the icky behavior of LGBTs themselves.

Not me, mind you.

I'm all decked out and ready to celebrate Pride with banners on (literally).

But before we get there, read my bilious bag of hate and then we can start afresh, palates all cleansed.

This is part of my illustrious "Why I hate ..." series, by the way.

Don't you love it?

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Southern Dave
Southern Dave

When I was 14, my father opened a bottle of brandy and  suddenly began a conversation that began, "David, did you know that some of the most extraordinary men in the arts were homosexual? Noel Coward, Michelangelo, Tennessee Williams, Somerset Maugham, Sydney Greenstreet -- you could tell by his laugh -- John Gielgud, Charles Laughton, Oscar Wilde, Laird Cregar ..."

"Why are you telling me this?" I asked.

"Just remember it, is all I'm saying."

"Daddy, are you telling me that you're queer?"

"No, you obtuse little bastard,  I'm telling you that YOU are and it's nothing to be ashamed of!"


Lady Bunny just thought of a great name for this column: "It Gets Bitter!"


Ha ha. Yeah, maybe that's the problem.


Mikey, when was the last time you got laid?


"You're versatile, which means you can bottom in 15 different positions."

Every single line is a gem, and all true.


Brilliant!!! Just what we needed to celebrate Gay pride without blinders on.