The 10 Best Bitchy Comments Of All Time

Categories: Catfights

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Who would know better than me?

The 10 dissiest, wickedest, bitchiest sass-o-grams (whether in movies or in life) are as follows:


(10) "She doesn't write, she types!"

(Gore Vidal, re popular author Jackie Susann)


(9) "She looks like a truck driver in drag."

(Truman Capote, re the very same Jackie Susann, who took a lot of abuse)


(8) "Every word she writes is a lie, including the ands and the thes."

(Mary McCarthy, re popular author Lillian Hellman. I'm sensing a trend.)


(7) "Keir Dullea, gone tomorrow."

(Noël Coward, re his Bunny Lake Is Missing co-star. Who's still here.)


(6) "You have native charm. Why don't you save it for the natives?"

(Sophia Loren in Houseboat)


(5) "I'd hate to take a bite out of you. You're a cookie full of arsenic."

(Burt Lancaster to Tony Curtis in Sweet Smell of Success)


(4) "I wouldn't have you if you were strung with diamonds upside down."

(Joan Crawford to Jeff Chandler in Female on the Beach)


(3) "There are really only two things I dislike about you. Your face."

(The Mirror Crack'd. Quoted without attribution in Priscilla.)


(2) "There's no there there."

(Gertrude Stein, about Oakland)


And the bitchiest of all ...

(1) "Thought she was beautiful. And she's very happy in Alaska. I hope she'll stay there."

(Barbara Bush, re Sarah Palin. And suddenly we loved a Bush!)


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55 comments
Josh Blauvelt
Josh Blauvelt

Paraphrasing: "They say only to speak good of the dead. She's dead. Good." - Bette Davis, on Joan Crawford's passing.

"I wouldn't suck your lousy dick if I was suffocating and there was oxygen in your balls!" - Mink Stole, Female Troubles

Josh Blauvelt
Josh Blauvelt

Bah - note to self, read the replies BEFORE posting duplicate quotes lol

Testosterone therapy
Testosterone therapy

Barbara bush said, which Sara palin doesnot want to hear from anyone.......a bery bitchy statement

David
David

And no lines from Valley of the Dolls?  For shame...

Rc61austin
Rc61austin

Interviewer: Dame Barbara: do you think the class system has broken down?Barbara Cartland: Of course it has my dear. Otherwise, how could I be sitting here talking to a person such as yourself.   http://www.datalounge.com/cgi-...

BigM
BigM

George S. Kaufman to a Hollywood scriptwriter who was still around after saying goodbye to everyone: "Forgotten but not gone."

Jayjeffriesnyc
Jayjeffriesnyc

Hermoine Gingold about Elsa Maxwell:  "Just another pretty face."

Filmguy2058
Filmguy2058

......3,4,5, and 6 were written by scripwriters......NOT original thoughts by the actors..... 

Hemp
Hemp

And YOUR remark was written by a retard.

Kikkums
Kikkums

yeah, I think we figured out that, though they were said by actors, they were actually written by screenwriters.

mjm
mjm

Liza on Grace Kelly winning the Oscar over Mama Judy: "She knew how to sleep with the right people."

"He looks like he fell into a vat of pubic hair" - Boy George on Prince"the Madame DeFarge of the Red Scare" - author Scott Eyman on Hedda Hopper"It was the most shocking display of bad taste I have ever seen. Look, there's nothing wrong with my tits, but I don't go around throwing them in people's faces." - Joan Crawford on Marilyn Monroe"That little Barbra Streisand turned out to be a big ol' shit" - Vivian Vance after meeting Babs pre 'Funny Girl'"I could smell his dentures when we were doing a kissing scene, which reeked of cigar smoke." - Vivien Leigh on Clark Gable"It makes me laugh when she says she got offered Selena, which is an outright lie. If that's what she does to get publicity than that's her thing." - Salma Hayek (who was actually offered the role)"When I first saw Cher, I actually thought she was a hooker Sonny Bono brought in." - Darlene Love"I'm not crazy about her Bob Mackie outfits. I peeked inside of her closet and said 'Is the circus in town?' Fortunately I said it to one of my friends" - Chaz Bono

La Grand Puta
La Grand Puta

Was that Marilyn Monroe quote before or after Marilyn Monroe turned away her sexual advances?

Denise
Denise

Mrs. Bush is ONLY saying that about Palin because -- she wants her Jebby as next Prez.!!  Nothing to like in Mama Bushwacker.

Andy Humm
Andy Humm

I thought the "that's not writing, it's typing" was what Capote said about Jack Kerouac's "On the Road." And having been to a Gertrude Stein exhibit in SF recently, her alleged quote about Oakland was really about returning to Oakland and seeing that her childhood home was gone: "There's no there there."

But my nominee is Dorothy Parker on hearing that Calvin Coolidge, by then a former President, had died: "How can they tell?"

Ribs
Ribs

I just googled "Gore Vidal Jackie Susan" and the quote about typing , not writing comes up many times. So leave Musto alone. If Capote said it, they both said it.

steve
steve

If Capote said it Vidal probably stole it...

Lost Weekend
Lost Weekend

The best lines seem to be spontaneous from nature wits; the others were written by screenwriter(s) and tossed off as lines a in movie.  I would prefer a list of bon mots said by real people.... Gore Vidal is probably still the King of Putdowns so subtle the subject doesn't realize he/she has been insulted.

Lee Kay
Lee Kay

I'm tired & don't get #4!

Howard
Howard

Bette Davis:  "My mother told me to only speak good of the dead.  Joan Crawford is dead. Good."

mjm
mjm

"Go shave your mustasche you cunt" - Judy Garland inscribed on a stein mug to Ginger Rogers"Her voice peels the paint off walls" - Judy Garland on Kathryn Grayson"She has two things going for her, a mother and a father" - Neil Simon on Liza Minnelli"It should have been called 'All About Me', dahling!" - Tallulah Bankhead on Bette Davis as Margo Channing"It was like being hit over the head with a valentine's card" - Richard Burton on working with Julie Andrews in Camelot"She fucked every man at MGM except Lassie!" - Bette Davis on Joan Crawford"Diane got to be the lead because she fucked Berry [Gordy]!" - Florence Ballard on Diana Ross"Tina turns down The Color Purple and then she does Mad Max. All the while she says she's trying to seek credibility as an actress. Give me a goddamn break!" - Whoopi Goldberg on Tina Turner"If any of my kids listened her music, I'd kill them" - Whitney Houston on Madonna

Movielover
Movielover

I loved Judy's (and Judy) quote about Kate Grayson.  I can't stand her shrieking and you can keep Mario Lanza too!  It amazes me that Grayson's sweet little heart-shaped mouth can issue forth such a decibel and tone to...peel paint!  Julie Andrews also makes me sick.  I can see Liz and Dick having a good laugh (and drink) over the above Camelot comment!

Melinda9
Melinda9

In Alan Jay Lerner's book he told some anecdote that RGoulet came to him for advice on how to fuck Julie Andrews. And AJL said he should ask RBurton who would probably know more about it. And RGoulet said that he already asked him and he said 'I didn't get anywhere with her when I tried, so let me know if you figure it out.' Hope I'm remembering correctly. Maybe her marriage vows meant something to her or maybe she was sick of getting hit on by coworkers.

Melinda9
Melinda9

Maybe - I've never heard anything one way or the other.

mjm
mjm

more:

"When she married him [Vincente Minnelli], I told Judy Garland directly to her face that I'd never shed another tear for her." - Butterfly McQueen"So John Travolta joined a cult, got married and had a few kids, which is technically the same thing" - Tab Hunter"I'm such a big fan of Liz Taylor, now I'm realizing that Liz Taylor is starting to look like me!" - Divine (back when Liz Taylor was fat)"Kirstie Alley wore yellow and ten kids rode to school on her" - Joan Rivers on Fashion Police a few weeks back (rephrasing her old Liz Taylor-Delta Burke joke)"I'm not a big fan of rewriting history to accomodate a storyline" - Linda Thompson on Priscilla Presley"Next question please!" - Vanessa Hudgens when asked about Miley Cyrus's scanity clad Vanity Fair cover at a press conference in '98"Since when has Carol Channing been sounding more and more like Donald Duck?" - Liberace"Coppola couldn't piss in a damn pot" - Bob Hoskins"Directing her was like directing Rin-Tin-Tin" - Otto Preminger on Marilyn Monroe"Give the public what they want and they'll come" - Red Skelton on Harry Cohn's funeral"I'd rather stick needles in my eyes" - Sandra Bullock on why she'd rather not work with Sly Stallone again"Now I can wear heels again" - Nicole Kidman post divorcing Tom Cruise"She's like Madonna with diarrhea!" - Charo on Lady Gaga "I'm doing a movie and would you want a part of a well-heeled Brit who turns out to be a shallow bastard?" - Woody Allen to Hugh Grant "My mother is a role model and SHE definitely isn't!" - Kelly Osbourne on Christina Aguilera

Movielover
Movielover

Re Preminger's quote on Marilyn.  He was known to be sadistic.  He was no doubt in heaven being able to abuse her and even get paid for it.  Lots of her directors didn't like working with her because she had issues, but they sure loved the results they got on film!

Melinda9
Melinda9

Wow, I totally forgot the part where she hired him! I don't think he was fun to work with and he seems to have been a misogynist. Now I'm motivated to read that book again.

Movielover
Movielover

Yes, he was nasty to her, but it was Marilyn who hired him for that movie!  It was her company with Milton Greene (a photographer who had taken lots of stunning pix of Marilyn).  Olivier was big on "formal" acting and she was trained more "method."  + she had her demons.  Larry maybe had not seen his fab wife's (Viv Leigh) demons yet. 

Melinda9
Melinda9

Some book I read about LOlivier years ago talked about him casting her in The Prince and the Showgirl and then freaking out because she was an unprofessional mess. But then when he saw the dailies, he was amazed at how beautiful she was onscreen.

Sfotter
Sfotter

"Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink." -- Lady Astor "Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it." - Winston Churchill.

Jeff Funk
Jeff Funk

This is hilarious! I'm going to share it with my readers. ¶ Mr. Musto would you consider playing our midnight "forbidden" book buzz game on Twitter? We want to know, what's the most peculiar or scandalous book you own? Snap a pic & share—mark it #midnightreader on Twitter. ¶ Keep tickling our minds with your wit! Take care ~ Jeff

Southern Dave
Southern Dave

"This is not a book that should be tossed aside lightly -- it should be thrown, with great force."-Dorothy Parker, reviewing Zsa Zsa Gabor's biography in Esquire.

Claudette Colbert on the TV set of Noel Coward's "Blithe Spirit": "Noel, I knew these lines backward last night!"Noel Coward: "And that's just the way you're saying them this morning."

Coward on Colbert: "I'd wring her neck if I could find it."

Lana Turner:"WHY is Jane Wyman appearing on Jane Seymour's TV show?"Southern Dave: "Maybe she just wants to keep her face before  the public."Lana: "If I had that face, I wouldn't want the public to see it, I'd hide it!"

Marlene Dietrich on Cybill Shepherd: "The poor man's Grace Kelly."

 Coward on Lionel Bart's musical "Blitz!":"It was just as long and twice as loud."

Coward on his "good friend" Beatrice Lillie, who was having trouble retaining her lines in "High Spirits," the musical version of "Blithe Spirit":

"Beatrice Lillie is a cuntNo matter what you've heard.Beatrice Lillie is a cuntWho doesn't know one word."

"I've had a great time, but this wasn't it."--Groucho Marx

Rc61austin
Rc61austin

With regards to Miss Lillie, it's possible that her problems with remembering lines had to do with her (later on)  retiring from the theatre due to Alzheimer's. 

Rabbit
Rabbit

I couldn't think of any off the top of my head, so I took a few from the every-handy Internet:" I am aware of how Miss Davis felt about my makeup in Baby Jane, but my reasons for appearing somewhat glamorous were just as valid as hers, with all those layers of Rice powder she wore and that ghastly lipstick. But Miss Davis was always partial to covering up her face in motion pictures. She called it 'Art.' Others might call it camouflage- a cover-up for the absence of any real beauty. " - Joan Crawford  

"I have great admiration for Joan Crawford as an actress, but she's a slut. Her whole life is an act. She is what she is, a cheap flapper who likes to get laid" - Louis B. Mayer

CMG
CMG

Was the Mayer quote before or after his son in law David O. Selznick cheated on his daughter with Jennifer Jones.  Louis might have just been projecting.  

Rabbit
Rabbit

Old Louis just had that episode edited out!

Movielover
Movielover

Love to read all this stuff and who said what, but about Louis Mayer re Joan - what's wrong with liking to get laid?  He had plenty of shit said about him and most of it was probably true!  Like using his position to get physical with lots of the gals at the studio.  A wonderful old German hag I saw on a TCM interview and Judy Garland both said he was too touchy-feely with them and Judy was still a minor!

Rabbit
Rabbit

What's wrong with getting laid? Nothing! Unless you're a woman - according to Mayer. From what I've read about him, he was in no position to judge anyone about anything!

Tarzie
Tarzie

"Oh, sweetie, one more facelift on this one and she'll have a beard!" -- Patsy in AbFab browsing a celeb magazine.

battyattybasher
battyattybasher

@Tarzie  I think that's an old Phyllis Diller line.

Tim in SF
Tim in SF

4) "I wouldn't have you if you were strung with diamonds upside down."I don't understand this one. Someone please explain. Why upside down?

Ron Bruguiere
Ron Bruguiere

Re # 4 - my friend, Robert Hill wrote the script and that line in the film. he also wrote the book it came from, THE BESIEGED HEART.  

For a couple of weeks in 1959, I became his kept boy toy, spirited away from NYC to LA.  Bob and I remained friends until his death in 2003.

You can read about this chapter in my life in my theater memoir, COLLISION when reality and illusion collide

Ron Bruguiere
Ron Bruguiere

I forgot to thank you, Michael, for remembering my good friend.  Read my book yet?

Rick
Rick

Not sure, but the way Joan delivered it, it was a good dis.

jonster
jonster

Well, in Jeff Chandler's case, that could be a real possibility, judging from the cross-dressing revelations in Esther Williams' memoir.

Tarzie
Tarzie

I wouldn't suck your lousy dick if I was suffocating and there was oxygen in your balls! - Taffy in Female Trouble

steve
steve

I thought the typing versus writing comment was what Truman Capote said about Kerouac

jonster
jonster

Lady Nancy Astor: Winston, if you were my husband, I'd poison your tea.Churchill: Nancy, if I were your husband, I'd drink it.

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