Bert and Ernie Have No Sexual Orientation?
That's what the Sesame Street producers swore in their response to the petition asking the two male roommates to get married.
Said the officials:
"Bert and Ernie are best friends.
"Even though they are identified as male characters and possess many human traits and characteristics (as most Sesame Street Muppets do), they remain puppets, and do not have a sexual orientation."
There's just one problem with that.
Puppets do have a sexual orientation -- when they're straight, that is.
After all, Miss Piggy is wild for a man, any man, especially Kermit, whom she regularly smothers with kisses in between tantrums.
Count von Count has had a series of countesses -- he's quite a hetero player.
And on and on until it seems these fantasy figures get more action than we do.
But when it comes to the G-word, children's show producers get all terrified into silence, saying sexuality is not an issue and the characters are just made out of cloth and fists.
I've had enough of this BS! And so has Squidward!