Duane Reade Has Sold Out All Their Flashlights!

Categories: Advice

220px-Led-flashlight.jpg

An epic aberration of nature's wrath is a-coming and none of the Duane Reades I've gone to in a panic has any flashlights left!

They're sold out like in a disaster movie!

What if the shit hits and we lose power, a hideous turn of events that will have us home-bound yet unable to cook, go to the bathroom, use the computer, watch TV, or even talk on the phone -- and all of that inactivity will be done in the dark, by the way!

I'm all stocked up on tuna, bagels, and batteries, but what about the light problem?

I'm going to have to dig up my Fire Island meat rack strobe.

And my neon cock ring from the '70s. (Could it still be glowing? Probably -- it's never been used.)

And my fairy dust and Vaseline -- anything that'll make me sparkle like a radioactive pixie!

Oh, well.

At least I have my fleshlight -- and that's all you really need when you're home-bound in the dark.



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7 comments
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Daniel Carver
Daniel Carver

Maybe everybody listened  to your Mom last night and cleaned out Duane Reade of flashlights.  Don't forget to put duct tape on your windows.

Rabbit
Rabbit

Don't forget to fill the bathtub with water. Or is that for a tornado?

Melinda9
Melinda9

Is there a place with camping supplies? They have those battery operated lanterns. Hopefully there's still some batteries around.

Musto
Musto

Just got this tweet from Ruth Buzzi, of Laugh-In fame:

"Because you wouldn't do it yourself, God is about to power wash your city. Please be prepared, stay safe. Love, Ruthie."

Paul
Paul

I can't believe that you never used your neon cock ring...

Patches
Patches

Just go to a hardware store--or use candles.

Van
Van

Chill, darling. irene looks a little less potent than they thought it would be. Let there be light!

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