My Five Worst Flights Of All Time

Categories: Advice

1316696781053_1315494954405_airport_1970_2048x1024_1280_640_590_295.jpg

I hate flying even when it's smooth -- the combination of terror and tedium really wears me down.

But when it ain't smooth, my nerves jangle so loud they drown out Alec Baldwin playing games on his cell phone in the next row.

While I inhale a whip-it to relax, let me tell you my five worst flights:


(5) New York to Toronto

It bounced up and down so hard the whole time they couldn't even serve the beverages! It was a short trip but felt so long I was ready for my AARP card by touchdown!


(4) New York to London

I heard an explosion aboard. I thought for sure the engine had blown up. We looked at each other, confused and horrified. The flight attendant came down the aisle, picking up orange rinds. "What happened?" we asked her in a panic. "Just collecting fruit to throw out," she chirped. NO, THE EXPLOSION!!! "Oh, we were hit by lightning," she blithely informed, continuing with the rinds collecting! I was chilled, but held my breath for the next three hours and made it home in one piece. What does it take to ruffle these flight workers? And who gives a shit about orange rinds?


(3) L.A. to New York

After an eternity in the air, I thought the ghastly experience was finally ending, but the pilot said we had to circle while we awaited an OK for landing. The weather was bad, so we kept hitting alarming speed bumps as we circled around. It was like being in a bumper car, except it was 35,000 feet in the air, it was storming, and we were probably running out of fuel. "Does this happen often?" I asked a flight attendant, on the verge of hysteria. "Why. Does it make you nervous?" she answered, coolly. YES, YOU MONSTER!!!! Anyway, we finally got the OK and landed and I vowed never to fly again. But ill-advisedly enough, I did.


(2) Honolulu to L.A.

Completely unexpectedly, the plane bumped and dropped a whole bunch at one point in the ride! I have no idea how far -- maybe it was just a few feet -- but it felt like thousands. My heart was in my mouth -- no, it had traveled all the way up to my forehead. My kidney was up to my widow's peak! Everyone on board laughed nervously and braced themselves for death, but amazingly it didn't happen again! Still, I was as shattered as Blanche DuBois after that trolley ride.


(1) Las Vegas to New York

They warned us about "really heavy winds." I started whimpering and shaking, wondering if I couldn't just hail a camel or something. The flight attendant assured me that the captains were the best in the biz and she wouldn't get on board if there was any real risk because she had two sons and had to stay around for them. I'm completely barren, but still wanted to live. And I must say the first 90 minutes or so were surreally horrible! Not the usual up-and-down bumps, but weird, existential twists and turns without any seeming logic. It felt like nature was raggedly conspiring to pull us down at every horrid moment, but we got through it and eventually landed. I couldn't look the flight attendant in the eye as I scampered back to normalcy.


Sponsor Content

My Voice Nation Help
13 comments
Seattle Airport Transportation
Seattle Airport Transportation

These routes don't audio that bad. Much more intense is the shitty meals, the going for walks around in stockinged toes at the remove look for gate

kalalaumango
kalalaumango

"Does this happen often?" I asked a flight attendant, on the verge of hysteria. "Why. Does it make you nervous?" she answered, coolly. YES, YOU MONSTER!!!!/////////////////hilarious as a reminder of flatulence that has taken on a form of humor in an economic crisis as a scene in blazing saddles seems as dated as it should.  but, catatonic help staring blankly into the sky at 5 miles high in the air of high maintenance wondering when will they get their act together as i'd given them far more credit than trolls under a bridge waiting for crumbs as if waiting, waiting, waiting is a key beyond the joke of adolescence who really cannot solve a problem as they cannot even solve their addiction issues.

Brad's Boyfriend
Brad's Boyfriend

Well, I was scheduled to fly on 11 Sept, but then I met up with Marky Mark and he talked me out of it.  Whew!  

Ynnocence
Ynnocence

Funny, the biggest air-drop I ever experienced was also in the vicinity of Honolulu. Must be because of those volcanoes.... But scared-shitless as I am about flying, I could never write about any of those trips as delightfully as you just did.

Gregorama
Gregorama

I was flying to London on the very day that the now-legendary Valentine's Day, 2007 JetBlue fiasco at JFK took place (ice storm, passengers trapped on tarmac for over 10 hours).  I was on American Airlines and we were "only" stranded for 5 hours before being released.  Slept on the floor or the terminal until finally flying out the next night.  Door to door, the trip to London took 46 hours.  A nightmare of enormous proportions. 

Notyah Nalla
Notyah Nalla

Flying in to Cordova, Alaska (the town that was on the news recently for 20ft snowfall) in 2008. It was on a Caravan prop plane. The wind was blowing very fiercely perpendicular to the runway. The pilot aborted the first landing attempt and we circled around for another try, the whole time being tossed like a paper plane. On our second approach to the runway was at a 45+ degree angle as the pilot battled the crosswinds until the very last second when the pilot brought us in line for touchdown. All of us were kissing the ground after that one.

Troofire
Troofire

I flew from Las Vegas to Grand Canyon in a twin engine eight-seater.  The late afternoon updrafts from the canyon tossed the plane around like a ping pong ball.  A burly black guy up next to the pilot threw up in a vomit back.  Three ladies who took dramamine before the flight sat smiling throughout.  Every time the pilot banked to point out a water fall or rock formation, I wanted to die.  Crashing into the canyon would have been preferable to that rocking and rolling flight.

Musto
Musto

That's true. And I left out the time I got on board and a woman was sitting in my pre-arranged aisle seat. She wouldn't budge. A flight attendant had to come around and persuade her to go to her window seat. The woman seemed crack addicted and very angry. I had no idea what she would do during the flight, but I suspected she was capable of very nasty behavior. I made sure to never look to my right, at her or out the window (because I had insisted on my aisle seat, not her window seat). Fortunately, she calmed down.

Geraldine Winifred Visco
Geraldine Winifred Visco

Come on, Michael, baby.  These flights don't sound that bad. Much worse is the shitty food, the walking around in stockinged feet at the strip search gate, the unattractive stewardesses and stewards (remember when they used to dress up sexy?!), the interminable delays, sky high air fares, filthy toilets, and screaming babies.  My goal is to die on a plane and I hope you all join me!

DX
DX

great stories!!! but the more you fly the more you get use to all those crazy up in the air happenings...

Periwinkleblue
Periwinkleblue

Hilarious!! Thankfully I'm not as nervous a flyer as you, but I can relate because I've hate some flights where you think "This is truly the end."

Duchamp
Duchamp

Just take some pills, sweetie darling.

Staunchy
Staunchy

That actually almost made sense to me. I am very worried.

Loading...