I Discussed Conservatives' Orgasms On Countdown
Well, I sorted it all out on last night's Countdown With Keith Olbermann, along with guest host David Shuster.
You can check out this video of the high points, but meanwhile, here's my transcript:
Shuster: Should we be surprised that conservatives have a lower IQ than progressives?
Me: No. These are the people who have to get naked to count to 21. They trip over cordless phones. They steal free samples. They think Glee is pushing a gay agenda. Well, actually, there they have a point.
Shuster: Does this explain why conservatives don't believe in science in general? It just goes over their head.
Me: Yeah, it's way too hard. To them, chemistry is what happens between a married politician and some jailbait. A biology exam is "Quick, let me check out your hoo-ha before my wife gets home." They don't get science at all. And let's not even get into physics.
Shuster: Turning to the sexual satisfaction survey: 53 percent of conservative Republicans achieve orgasm during sex versus 40 percent for Democrats. What are conservatives doing that Democrats aren't doing?
Me: Cheating! The idea of having sex with a side dish and breaking all the rules of the Bible is so delicious to these conservatives. Sinning is a giant aphrodisiac. And the idea of maybe getting caught and ruining your career is hotter than Spanish fly. They do it all day long! Stimulating!
Shuster: Conservatives also reported having the least amount of sex in the last year. So in other words, great quality, but not so amazing quantity.
Me: No, we're going back to the IQ thing here. They actually have tons of sex but they're bad at math. They can't count all the orgasms -- they're so busy having them. And also popping Viagra and ordering pizza from Herman Cain, but he's busy having orgasms. Yuck, bring in the air freshener.
Shuster: Republicans also apparently look for partners a bit differently. Democrats apparently look for a partner with a sense of humor and someone they consider an equal, whereas Republicans look for someone with the same background and same political party. Is that the key to their sexual satisfaction? You find someone exactly like themselves?
Me: Yeah, they're like gay men. They look for mirror images of themselves. They're basically shtupping themselves, and that's what brings about the quick, narcissistic release. They're too stupid to know about the ultimate onanistic experience, which is masturbation. Or maybe they're just afraid that's sex between a man and a man.
Shuster: Surprisingly, in this study, infidelity by a partner was deemed more acceptable than infidelity by a political candidate. Does that explain Newt Gingrich's drop in popularity?
Me: Yeah, because when a politician cheats, you feel like they're cheating on you. Frankly, I was in love with Newt and his views that pagans bring down the fundamentals of our society, but then he betrayed me ... and betrayed me ... and betrayed me. And frankly, after all those orgasms, I can't see him in the White House except maybe as an intern.
Shuster: How would this current crop of Republican presidential candidates fare in this survey?
Me: Very well. When Romney heard that Trump might back Gingrich, he orgasmed. Then Gingrich heard Trump was really backing Romney, and he double orgasmed. And he's so dumb he called Callista and said, "I just orgasmed. Can we have an open marriage?"
Shuster: Obviously not all conservatives are stupid, maybe just the majority of them. So let me pose a hypothetical question to you. A dumb conservative, a racist conservative, and a smart conservative walk into a bar. Who climaxes first?
Me: That is so easy. Ashton Kutcher.