The Worst Tweet I Ever Read! It Hurt!

Categories: Musto on Musto

250px-Missy_elliott.jpg
If you "bing.com" yourself, then press "News," various tweets with your name in them pop up, messages that you may not have seen by clicking on your Twitter account.

And lordy, how I wished I hadn't Binged myself yesterday.

Because a guy from Canada -- a country I've visited and been celebrated in more than once -- had this little horror to tweet:


"Twitter is suggesting I follow Missy Elliott and some old, nerdy looking guy named Michael Musto. No thanks!"


Now, I could have followed my own advice and taken the high road, but that turned out not to be an option because, like Beatrice Straight in Network, I was hurt!

And since tweets are so short, I couldn't send the answer I really wanted to write:

Something listing all my copious credits, informing the douche that I've been called a legend in gossip and nightlife, am all over American TV, just published my fourth book, was in the Out100, and am an all-around great guy with some really cool neckties. And besides, he's 36 years old (I checked his website), so he wouldn't exactly be called young. And furthermore, WTF is wrong with Missy Elliott?

Not only wouldn't all that fit in one tweet, but it would come off rather pathetic. If he thinks I'm nothing more than some old nerd, how could you really change his mind? (Besides, you can't make every person on the planet love you, hard as I've tried.)

So I simply tweeted him:

"Thank God! I have enough morons following me."


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23 comments
Amálio
Amálio

I adore you.... and thinking sober, you are indeed a legend.sorry and a kiss

Gregorama
Gregorama

Great reply, Michael...but you should know better than to get sucked into all that twatting bullshit.  I'm firmly convinced that it is just one more link in the chain that is dragging a civilized, thinking society straight down the poop shoot.  EXAMPLE:  It was in The Post last week that the producers of the new production of "Godspell" are going to experiment with having a section called "The Tweet Seats," for those who simply can't IMAGINE sitting still for an hour without texting vapid non-entities to....I don't know who....do THEY even know who they're babbling away to?  Tweet Seats.  Call me rash, call me a stick in the mud, but that is the most fucked-up idea I've heard since hearing the Algonquin Oak Room is being converted into a private breakfast lounge for "Marriott Premium Travellers".  To quote Mrs. Peggy Gravel in John Waters' masterpiece, "Desperate Living","AM I LIVING IN HELL??  IS THAT IT?? HAVE I GONE STRAIGHT TO HELL!!??"

Amálio
Amálio

Michael, you are indeed a little nerdy and old.... But for me, nerdy means eigthies popsicle look at me, look me not and old is the new young. So it's not that bad.Regardless, the guy was an asshole but your reply was assholy too.Come on, you are no legend?! wtf?But I really dig reading you.kiss from fan in Portugal

Southern Dave
Southern Dave

Oh, please!

Have you ever had an actress' mother turn up at your desk, open her purse and display a gun and tell what she wanted to do with it?

Have you ever had actor leave a phone message saying, "Listen, mothafuckah, the next time I see you at anyhthing I'm in, I'm gonna pile-drive your raggedy ass into the ground and pound  a stake through your heart!" I had an editor listen to it and she said vaguely, "Almost sounds like a threat, doesn't it?"

The boys in the sports deparment saw a silent, unknown man walk in with a suitcase and proceed to assemble a rifle before one of them had the presence of mind -- or nerve -- to walk up to him and ask, "Is there anything I can do for you?" or "Is there someone special you'd like to see?"

Words can wound but tweets by twats  are chicken-shit pot shots brought to us by the New Media. Ain't it grand?

Movielover
Movielover

The Canadian in question is no lady. 

Southern Dave
Southern Dave

Oh, please!

Ever have an actress' mother show up at your desk and open her purse to reveal a gun?

Ever have an actor leave a message saying "Stay far away from anything I'll ever do, mothafucka, because if I see you, I'm going to pile-drive your raggedy ass into the ground!" I played it for an editor who said vaguely, "Almost sounds like a threat, doesn't it?"

Although I never worked worked for the Sports Dept (the very thought of which gives me giggles)the sports boys watched with interest as a silent guy walked in with a suitcase and completely assembled a rifle before anyone thought to ask what he was doing there, whom did he wish to see,  would you please not kill me, Sir, etc.

Words can wound, but they can't

My favorite movie line is Zero Mostel as Max Bialystock, telling Kenneth Mars as the Nazi playwright in "The Producers,"  "Here's a gun. Buy bullets! Shoot the actors!"

l.

Muscato
Muscato

Like he has something to complain about - damn Twitter keeps telling me I should follow Ryan Seacrest and Kirstie Alley.

Fortunately, I'm having to much fun with you and Florence Henderson, not to mention desperately trying to be as well-informed as Morgan Fairchild (seriously - she's intensely political - who knew?)...

Brad's Boyfriend
Brad's Boyfriend

Meanwhile, Demi Moore is holed up in Fancy-Schmancy rehab in Sundance, Utah, home of real mountain cougars, but I'm sure she's out tweeting for some fresh meat.  Plenty of lily-white Mormon boys for her to defrock.

Toing
Toing

Haha! Well Done!

I`m a designer from Mèxico. The first time I saw you was in VH1, and I was like 15.I moved to Spain three years ago! And I looked for you in facebook, to catch up "at the moment" all the oppinions from anything. Love your career. 

I`m, Thelovely in face (the cool drawing) ;)

When I have twitter I`ll be one of those morons!

Big kiss!

alexgeana
alexgeana

you know, if that's not his real name, you can get it. I think there's a way to do that. 

Sybil Bruncheon
Sybil Bruncheon

HEY!!!!!! SO I'M A MORON FOR FOLLOWING YOU?!?!.......As Popeye said, "Why I oughtta!!!!".

Laplatha
Laplatha

Once you start googling and binging yourself, you're going to find a lot of negative assholes,  but it's best to not dignify them or acknowledge them at all. I used to answer each one, but it's fruitless, and they always want to have the last word anyway.

Musto
Musto

Thank you, darling. And by the way, the Canadian guy has apologized and I accepted, so all's good.

Musto
Musto

Peggy Gravel is one of the finest philosophers of the modern age. I am serious! Every word she said was golden.

And thank you, Gregorama, for putting the Portuguese person in their place. After the battle with the Canadian douche, I don't have the will to fight my own battles anymore.

Gregorama
Gregorama

With fans like THIS one, who needs enemies?  I'm just hoping that something was lost in the translation here.  Well I say to you, Senhor:  Você deve ajoelhar-se para baixo e beijar as nádegas de New York City ' a rainha absoluta de s e diz que você é… cadela pesarosa!   (for non-Portuguese speakers, I tried to communicate, "You must kneel down and kiss the buttocks of the reigning queen of New York City and tell him you are very sorry".)  Never insult the royalty in a land other than your own.

Philip McKrevis
Philip McKrevis

Southern - I have no idea what the first three rambling paragraphs were, but all you needed was the one priceless sentence:

"Words can wound but tweets by twats  are chicken-shit pot shots brought to us by the New Media." - wonderful!

Musto
Musto

Yeah., Morgan is actually quite brilliant and articulate. I interviewed her once and was amazed.

Musto
Musto

Mwah. Thank you.

KC
KC

He didn't say EVERY person following him was a moron. 

Gayzilla
Gayzilla

"..desculpas abundantes!"

Gayzilla
Gayzilla

Another way:

"Você tem que beijar as nádegas da reinha absoluta de Nova Iorque MICHAEL MUSTO e dar-lhe as suas desculples abundantes!"

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