10 Surefire Ways To Lose Weight

Categories: Advice

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These are my own personal can't-miss tips.

Someday I'll even use them.


(10) Don't ever have dessert with lunch.

You shouldn't even have dessert with dinner, but sometimes it's unavoidable. But with lunch? Nevah! Don't be obscenely, decadently ridankulous!


(9) Don't eat french fries. Ever.

French fries come with everything these days because they're really cheap to mass-produce. But does that mean you have to suck them in all day just because they served them? Nope. Tell yourself they're the devil and don't even touch them with gloves on. The pounds will fly off!


(8) Cut your starches in half.

Half the rice, bread, potatoes, and pasta. Yes, they're all our favorite things, but you don't have to eliminate them. Just cut them in half. Your chances for a boyfriend or girlfriend will double.


(7) Don't eat food just because it's there.

We've all ingested a second dinner just because we're at something where there's food and it seems impolite to turn it down. But that's bull. Just say, "I already ate," and don't even touch a drop!


(6) Let people grab into your plate.

I always have found that activity horrifyingly gauche and intrusive -- I'm an only child -- but I might start allowing it because weight loss could result. Grab away, people!


(5) When eating out, skip the appetizer.

The entrée generally comes with a side or two. That should be enough. You don't also need to preface it with baby artichoke hearts, bruschetta, and chicken fingers. You'll save money this way, too. Duh.


(4) Don't stock food in your fridge and cabinets.

Just the very basics. This way, when you're getting a sugar craving late at night, you'll be forced to hit the streets to find something and you'll probably end up just staying put and letting it pass.


(3) Don't make special "I can pig out" rules for weekends, vacations, and holidays.

Stay disciplined all year. If you're an alcoholic, you don't allow yourself to guzzle for Christmas, do you? Exert the same fastidiousness with food.


(2) Never go for real ice cream or soda.

Sure, the fake shit tastes funny, but force yourself to get used to it. Your body will thank you later (unless it gives you cancer).


(1) When one meal is finished, don't immediately start thinking of the next meal.

That's a trap that will only lead you down fattie lane. You have so much more to look forward to than just the next batch of food. Stay focused on the good stuff in your life and don't think of food as your salvation, your escape, your reward.

Enjoy it, mind you -- but not that much!



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16 comments
Ddf
Ddf

No carbs after 3pm. Do that and you'll lose weight guaranteed.

latenitebump
latenitebump

and to illustrate this point we´ll display a photo of a large, african-american woman for all intent and practical purposes.

you could have used a foto of beth ditto, adele, or lea delaria as example. or a before and after foto of jennifer hudson or karl lagerfeld (he used to be fat).

i eat what i want. what is fake ice cream? sealtest?

corrective_unconscious
corrective_unconscious

I notice nothing about exercise. Or cutting down on beer.

I think you'd do better with a bit about wacky diets of the rich and famous, and the hospitalizations which doubtless resulted.

Melinda9
Melinda9

 Must have real ice cream, even if only a small amount - Haagen Dazs or similar. I don't bother eating that crap with the long list of ingredients - even Ben and Jerry has all that stuff.

Ninette Murk
Ninette Murk

Never go for real ice cream? You got to be kidding me! Real ice cream, real chocolate, real everything all the way! They taste delicious, you just have to be disciplined enough to also cut these quantities in half, as you advise for starch. Oh- and get a stalker. 14 lbs less in 3 months!

Robertz
Robertz

I agree the most with the starch one. But maybe you should eliminate ALL starch. No bread, pasta, etc.

Meat
Meat

These are actually great rules. I might follow some of them!

Oil
Oil

"A large African American woman." Once again you show your stupidity. it's Eddie Murphy!!!! In a character he did to show someone extremely large and fat!

Shut the fuck up. This blog shows tons of positive African American images.

Guest
Guest

Nope, no reason to go so far. And if you make your own bread (very easy to do), it's 1000 times better for you.

Gcndc
Gcndc

If I couldn't eat bread and pasta, at least once in awhile, then what is the point of living?

latenitebump
latenitebump

no shit sherlock oil.why didn´t he use divine´s fat ass to illustrate? and you shut da fuck, itchass! (just add the b)

when and where homo?

Nyah
Nyah

Well, the rule says cut it in half, so that should be do-able.

latenitebump
latenitebump

 tender loins aka dr. joyce oh! brother.

Loins
Loins

I know, right? True equality is being used in all kinds of representations. This kind of dumb censorship is self defeating and very misguided.

Bethesda
Bethesda

OK, moron, so there should never be any negative representation of African American, even if  it's done by an African American in a comic portrayal? So no one should ever run a photo of Eddie Murphy in that character? You are dumber than dirt.

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