I Hate Movies And Will Never See Another One! Here's Why!

By Michael Musto Wed., Mar. 14 2012 at 11:30 AM

Categories: Film

Check out my hot new column, which is the latest addition to my "Why I Hate ..." series that's sweeping the nation.

This one deals with:

*The horror of 3-D used for films that don't really warrant it (or don't even take advantage of it)!

*The sequels to films you didn't want in the first place!

*The absurdity of the Oscars' Best Song category, a cavalcade of hitlessness!

*The nuttiness of Johnny Depp, Angelina Jolie, and even some people who weren't in The Tourist!

*The omnipresence of three hardworking actors who need to rest their nerves -- and ours, too!

*The poignancy of those Twilight actors valiantly trying to make other movies.

*And the fact that you're forced to sit there and watch commercials while you could have stayed home and fast-forwarded through them for free!

Don't get me started.

Just read this hilarious and incisive column before it gets turned into a movie.

In 3-D!

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Allen Firth

Here's a proposal: Hollywood won't make any mindless remakes of bad TV shows, and Broadway won't adapt any more Hollywood movies into mindless musicals.

nostradavid

Here's an insight into the Documentary Short Subject winner from Nikki Finke:"A movie portraying heroic plastic surgery? Of course Hollywood voted it an Oscar."They aren't as hard to pick as you think.

Musto

I got that one right because last year it was children with cleft palates, so I knew. But the short animated subject blah blah I get wrong.

Stuf

Loved your comment about Chastain, Fassbender, and Stone.

Southern Dave

"I'd rather read a Pauline Kael review" than see the movie.

You and me both! Her "5,001 Movies" volume of capsule reviews permanently stays on my coffee table.

Plus I have all her collections of full reviews. This, despite her famous put-down of Lana Turner in "Madame X": "Turner's not Madame X," she wrote. "She's Brand X. She's not an actress, she's a commodity."

Puh-leeze!

The only one who can touch her is Jeanine Basinger, of Wesleyan University. Basinger thinks Lana's performances are "full of great moments." Basinger's books on women in the movies (with categories like "I'm blowing this burg" and "There's TWO of her!"), "The Star Machine" and Silent film idols are all SOO-POIB!