Big Brothers Rejected Me! Here's Why!

Categories: Advice

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This didn't exactly just happen, but it feels like it did.

Some time ago, I felt a swelling of paternalistic pride and decided I wanted to be a Big Brother, so I could impart wisdom, fun, and support to someone in the process of growing up (as opposed to the usual club kids, who never do).

I went down to their headquarters and filled out lots of forms about my background and my goals and was interrogated face-to-face for a long time about my childhood, my intentions, how I defined child abuse, and other relevant issues.

The thing is, I just can't lie, so I spent the interview being honest about my upbringing.

I spoke candidly about the good and bad.

I was brutally frank about the lack of adventure, excitement, and communication that plagued my early years--despite all the wonderful stuff--and how I wanted to make sure a young person had some of that available.

Mistake!

They didn't end up telling me why I was rejected, but a friend who knows the system said Big Brothers don't want anyone who is trying to make up for their own childhood.

They'd rather have a well adjusted person who grew up surrounded by nothing but pure fulfillment and could effortlessly pass that on.

I guess they feel such a person can transfer their glee to another generation rather than someone who is trying to compensate and who might repeat questionable mentoring skills.

But I was going to be such a great Big Brother, I swear. I would have shown my Little Brother a fun, productive, stimulating time.

What's more, I couldn't believe I'd been rejected for a free position!

Ever since they dissed me, I've needed one.



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12 comments
corrective_unconscious
corrective_unconscious

What year did Big Brothers start accepting openly gay Big Brothers? I'm pretty sure they still didn't when I lived in NYC a decade and a half ago.

nostradavid
nostradavid

You are our beloved Uncle Mikey, imparting wisdom, fun, and support to us all.Many of us are the single uncle in our families, telling our nieces and nephews all the wild stories that our siblings would never tell their kids.

Southern Dave
Southern Dave

The clergy has cornered the market on child abuse.

You could have started "child amuse."

Jonster
Jonster

Maybe they googled you and came across those Marilyn pics, ha! 

Mae Swazey
Mae Swazey

Too bad, Michael.  You'd take the term "send a kid to camp" to a whole new dimension.

Musto
Musto

Yeah, maybe I can be a Big Daddy.

Natali
Natali

Don't take offense to this, but you're too old to be my brother. I'd say, "You can be my daddy!" but that sounds sort of sexual. So how 'bout, "You can be my wise, older friend who will impart his pop culture knowledge as well as any other things I should know...like, all the things I missed about Streisand's career by not being born yet." So serious about this.

Timmee
Timmee

Some poor kid is going to miss out on some fabulous Broadway shows, nightclub openings, celebrity hobnobbing, and free food!

Ulu
Ulu

Sad story! You would have been great!

Tony
Tony

God, I hope that doesn't make me one of the No Necked Monsters.

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