Joan Rivers Hates Tom Cruise A Lot!

Categories: Joan Rivers

175px-Joan_Rivers_2010_-_David_Shankbone.jpg
This is from Joan's hilarious new book, I Hate Everyone...Starting With Me:


"First of all, he's always got this shit-eating grin on his face, like he just got a note from his managers telling him that Mimi Rogers and Nicole Kidman are extending their confidentiality agreements.

"Second, in TV interviews, Tom laughs inappropriately and much too vociferously at non-humorous declarative statements, which is ironic because in real life he can't take a fucking joke at all.

"All you have to do is make one simple, little, harmless, innocuous aside like, 'The Scientology spaceship was late today; it had to stop in Fire Island to pick up Tom Cruise' and he has a pack of lawyers at your door faster than Katie Holmes can say 'No, really. He loves me in that way. I swear.' "

I bet even Tom's lawyers might giggle at that one.

And lest they think Joan is playing favorites, she happens to hate Nicole too.

The comic says the ex-Mrs. Cruise makes stupid movies like Cold Mountain and The Hours and absurdly became A-list for putting putty on her nose.

Notes Joan:

"My face is made of paraffin and chewing gum and that cunt wins an Oscar?"


Photo: David Shankbone/Wikipedia

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38 comments
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TDP96
TDP96

Joan does have the best hair...hands down

Avalon57
Avalon57

Joan Rivers is a cruel, hateful, vicious, self-hating human being who should shut her g-ddamn mouth. "The Hours" was "stupid"? No, Joan, you, who used to be funny, who had a moment back in time when your humor was actually enjoyable, you are the stupid one. Do you think anyone cares what you think about Tom or Nicole? But more importantly, why is it that you have to make such hateful, cruel comments about everyone? How dare you call Nicole Kidman the "c" word. Look at you! You are a pathetic has-been and your only weapon is your 80-year old tongue. I understand the self-hating thing, I do. A lot of Jews--and I am one--who did not grow up rich or beautiful or in the "in group" resort to the self-hating humor. That was okay, Joan; you made us laugh. But what you do now is aim at anyone, anyone at all, that you don't like for whatever insane reason, and you do your best to cut them down. Well, my advice to you is to try and be kind to people in these last year you have on this planet. If you think your "legacy" is going to be these hideous, cruel comments, you're wrong. People will rightfully forget you... like I'm going to do right now. 

mattsy
mattsy

 bitch please-stop whining. Nicole kidman is a cunt & tom cruise cant take a fucking joke. Neither can you.

Avalon57
Avalon57

Dear Mattsy,

You display as much intelligence and sensitivity as Joan does in your hateful comments. Are you friends with Nicole and Tom? Are you friends with anyone? If you were called the cruelest word by another human being so that they could get a laugh, would that make you a better person? I can take a joke. My response wasn't about Tom. I didn't like that Joan feels she has to call people vulgar names to get a laugh. I don't find that funny. Anyway, there's no point in posting my comments because people like you are incapable of acknowledging them in an intelligent way. I'm sure you and Joan can enjoy hours of fun cruelly trashing others.

Iiifrancoiii
Iiifrancoiii

i do not like her at all   but she did say something side-splittingly funny when karan carpenter died (mean & irreverent, but funny none the less)  people were saying how sad that she (karan) died and her thinness from her anorexia, and joan said somthing to the effect of " sad? how sad can you be to be lucky enough to be burried in pleets?  now thats funny.  horrible, but funny.

Newito
Newito

Many years ago I saw Joan in Vegas. Fukn slayed the place. Her comedy album, WHAT BECOMES A SEMI-LEGEND MOST.... is a brilliant testament to her comedic gifts. She has stood the test of time, even if her face has failed her.

Mrs
Mrs

Joan's not only a very funny woman who's stood the test of time, she's also a brilliant business woman  (she's sold in excess of $700 Million worth of her junk jewelry on QVC)!  Go Joan. A true American treasure.

The Lone Human Out Here
The Lone Human Out Here

This comment thread is utterly creepy. Now I leave to drown my newfound misanthropy in beer.

jaxx
jaxx

HAha I am not familiar with Joan Rivers work but I definitely will be buying this book!! Shes hilarious :D 

Maee 88
Maee 88

Nicole kidman doesn't do stupid movies. She should understand when a joke worths a laugh and when it doesn't. Kidman Wind ab Oscar because she's a freakin' good actress. Johan lives insulting people. So sad.

bitchtrollfromhell
bitchtrollfromhell

You're sad if you don't think tired Nicole hasn't done some stupid movies, and take a spelling class, you need it.

Avalon57
Avalon57

She wasn't talking about Nicole having "done" some "stupid movies" -- she said that she "makes" "stupid movies" like "The Hours" and "Cold Mountain." They were "stupid" -- really? "The Hours" was "stupid"? Why? Because Joan was too "stupid" to understand it? 

David
David

 You don't know a thing about Joan Rivers obviously. She has ADMITTED dozens of times that she went to Hollywood to be an actress and was told over and over again she was neither pretty nor talented enough. She is very honest about being jealous of people and some of her remarks are said out of love. She used to tear Liz Taylor apart every chance she got...and they were very, very good friends.

Avalon57
Avalon57

They were "good friends" -- how do you know that? They weren't "good friends" -- and "tearing people apart" isn't funny--except to hateful people like Joan. If she wants to trash her own face, great, go ahead. But to say the unbelievably cruel things she's said about others, it really makes one pause... but I'm obviously in the minority. She was funny at one time, and then she became undeniably cruel and vicious. I can't stand her. 

Benjee
Benjee

You know shit. She and Liz were not good friends. Liz wrote in a memoir that one time Joan came over to her to say hello, after years of making fat jokes about her. Liz was horrified and couldn't believe the nerve of Joan for thinking they could be friends.

Beans
Beans

Liz stabbed Joan in the back, not vice versa?? Huh?/ This is insane.

David Mertens
David Mertens

 Only to save face. Hard to believe someone as LOYAL and DEVOTED as Liz Taylor (remind me how many husbands she had?) could stab a friend in the back, but she did.

David
David

For a celebrity to not care AT ALL if what people think is amazing. Everything Joan says has a subtext of, "This is who I am. If you like it, great; if you don't...I really don't give a shit. Come after me, humiliate me, sue me, whatever but I'm not scared of ANYONE." It's the exact opposite of Tommy boy who is even (and especially) scared of himself.

Amber
Amber

She is the best!!!!  So funny and true!

MarkStark
MarkStark

She probably hates Tom Cruise because he knows the history of psychiatry and she doesn't. Joan may be fixated on noses, but Tom knows.

Dandy
Dandy

Because she's always right.

JoshuaFrySpeed
JoshuaFrySpeed

If this Yenta hates everyone, then what's so special about Tom Cruise?

Notyah Nalla
Notyah Nalla

Hilarious! I can't wait to read the rest :)

Mrenee2010
Mrenee2010

I LOVE JOAN RIVERS.. talk abt her looks all you want... shes funny as hell.  

samthor
samthor

"My face is made of paraffin and chewing gum and that cunt wins an Oscar?"^ Joan Rivers is a National treasure. 

Southern Dave
Southern Dave

Joan Rivers is DEPENDABLY funny. Just see "Fashion Police" or the above. The Mimi Rogers-Nicole KIdman line alone is priceless.

And she's been entertaining over the long haul, too. She has never lost her audience. And you can't do that without self-deprecating humor as well. (See above again.)

Have you ever seen her in person? She KILLS. She's been through the fire and she's fearless.

Now, everybody jump on me and tell me what an asshole I am.

Tobyland
Tobyland

I know this is a late response but I feel exactly the same as you. I don't understand why people hate her so much. She is an entertainer!

Avalon57
Avalon57

It is "entertaining" to call Nicole Kidman the "c" word? In what way? 

nostradavid
nostradavid

I saw Joan on-stage about the same time her documentary was out. She was non-stop dynamite for at least 90 minutes. I was in the balcony and could see her notes on the floor at the front of the stage - about 3' x 30'. If you were downstairs you'd never know she used notes. It was good to see her on the Carson documentary last night on American Masters. I wish Fox hadn't lured her away from Johnny back then. 

Timmee
Timmee

Gotta go with Southern Dave on this one. She's incredibly hard-working, long-lasting, hilarious, and everyone I know who knows her says that underneath the bitchy exterior is one classy lady. 

Savannah Montgomery
Savannah Montgomery

Hear, Hear! 

The most memorable thing I ever heard her say, (and it was not a joke) she was a guest on some talk show talking about her own short-lived show. She said "The crawl [end credits] is deliberately slow...I want the mothers of everyone who works for me to be able to read it."

latenitebump
latenitebump

phyllis diller looks better. separated at birth: joan rivers and madam the puppet. actually, madam was prettier and funnier!joan rivers: didn´t she murder her husband?i bet if she goes out in the sun her face will melt!she likes fur then put her a cage with a couple tigers!melissa! a face only a mother can love!

Bones
Bones

Everything she says is outrageous yet spot on. I bet toothy Tom won't be happy with this, though.

Gerald
Gerald

Hilarious!  And so true!

Keating3232
Keating3232

These days, Joan's face makes Amanda Lepore's look normal. But she does occasionally say something funny. 

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