The Hideous Lies In Dating Site Profiles: Here's Your Handy Guide

Categories: Advice

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Everyone--I mean everyone--lies on Match.com, OKCupid, Grindr, Manhunt, eHarmony, and every other hookup site/app in tarnation.

The profiles read more like romance novels than confessionals, filled with exaggerations, evasions, wishful thinking, and downright doctoring of evidence.

With every word they type, the participants' noses grow Pinocchio-style, but unfortunately their other parts tend to stay the same size--or maybe they even shrink from fear of being found out.

Fortunately, Brian Moylan has laid it all out for you in this vice.com article, which goes subject by subject through the most prominent fabrications these unpaid fiction writers come up with in order to sell their used goods.

He analyzes the bullshit factor when it comes to the insanely retouched profile photo, the person's alleged body size (add 75 pounds), their exalted musical taste (When's the last time they really listened to Mozart?), and their reputed lust for museums.

Please! The last time my tricks were spotted at the Met was to cruise the bathroom stalls.

Enjoy--and by the way, the above photo is one of the few honest ones on OKCupid.

I happen to think he's cute--and I'm not lying.

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22 comments
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VonD
VonD

Cute, in a giant stuffed animal, Big 10 football team mascot kind of way.

Melinda9
Melinda9

People do lie, but that guy in the photo above seems to be very honest. (I'm envious of the bear wallpaper and the two cat pictures. Or are those horses or tigers in the wallpaper?)

Hoo
Hoo

Well it's less dangerous than getting killed on Craigslist.

Wings
Wings

He's obviously a man. Anyway, I don't use dating sites because I'm afraid of getting killed. I just have sex on the piers.

Natali
Natali

"I just have sex on the piers." I didn't even know that's a thing until my bestie told me he was doing that while in NY a couple summers ago. Telling me was like telling his mother because I'd say, "Hey, what'd you do today?" He'd tell me and my jaw would drop. I was almost just as shocked he immediately went to the West Village (Christopher St) because it was like he gravitated there, since he lives in the middle of nowhere and had hardly been in NY before.

Savannah Montgomery
Savannah Montgomery

Hunny, good thing you weren't around in the "good ole days" of the piers....more than your jaw would've been dropping.

VonD
VonD

24 years before you were born, chile. But not really, the piers were still popping just over a decade ago. Ghouliani didn't completely destroy 'em but he did make them pretty for tourists.

Natali
Natali

Probably. When were the good 'ol days? I'm only 24 so...

Anyway, just to clarify, it's not that it's gay sex that shocks me. Anyone who knows me knows I could care less about that (and I'm bi), it's that it's public sex. Public sex with strangers.

latenitebump
latenitebump

how do you know?i´ve seen women with full beards before. and not just at coney island! s/he looks like mama cass.getting killed. overrated. who would want to kill you? in your dreams.stay on the piers! you won´t get killed there!

VonD
VonD

You really have gender issues, thing, check yourself to respect yourself!

Beans
Beans

"S/he"?? You must have been a great bully in high school. Musto put the photo up in a nice way and even said the guy's cute, but you had to throw in your reactionary "Is it a man or a woman?" routine. Do you make fun of Chaz Bono too?

latenitebump
latenitebump

what did they say in paris is burning?O-P-U-L-E-N-C-E   you own everything! everything is yours!or is it more like dolly parton? 9 2 5.

latenitebump
latenitebump

ooh! high paying! you better work then, covergirl! give a twirl! do your thang on the runway!

Beans
Beans

I'm sitting at my high paying job right now, thank you. Your "Get a job" remark is yet another example of your bullying tactics.

Natali
Natali

"i´ve seen women with full beards before. and not just at coney island"

Truth. It's called PCOS, and I have it.

Natali
Natali

No. Hirsutism is a symptom of PCOS, but mine is not that severe.

latenitebump
latenitebump

 were you the famous bearded lady at coney island?! (not kidding). i´ve seen her on her lunchbreaks alot when she wasn´t on stage. this was a long time ago, tho!

latenitebump
latenitebump

but is it a man or a woman in the above photo? i don´t use dating sites but i´ve heard stories! a reason not to go there.also, they edit hollywood stars´ and models´ photos in magazines.

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