Why I Hate Sex! 32 Fucktastic Reasons!

Categories: Sex

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Put on your condom, your dental dam, your lube, and your thinking cap, and read my latest column--a scintillating diatribe about all the things that make me dislike the sex act.

For example:


*I'm no good at it.

*If I were only more versatile, I'd have had twice the opportunities.

*People who have elaborate fetish scenarios don't always care if it's your fantasy too. You want to say, "Shouldn't I get paid for this?"

*You can't just get someone to pleasure you and shut up. They always want something back, like "Pinch my nipples really hard!" After squeezing for 20 seconds, your fingers get numb and you just want to roll over.


And there are so many other well-made points, ranging from STDs to Catholic guilt--and yes, those are two separate things.

Anyway, enjoy! Then take a long hot shower!


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16 comments
VonD
VonD

Oh, Mother Musto, it's so much more fun if you let go (except you must wrap it up, darling), but seriously! Just throw your hands in the air, and f*** like you just don't care! I know you can TOP that, huntee!

nostradavid
nostradavid

Set your column to music for the next big musical on Broadway.Harvey Fierstein can help write the book.possible song titles:Dirt Cheap and PretendingBuck Toothed Grindr BoyShouldn't I Be Getting Paid For This?It's Over! Go!Beautiful Wavy Hairpiece (In My Hand)Sell A Bit/Celibate

Savannah Montgomery
Savannah Montgomery

And while we're on the subject...why do folks think sex has to be like a (bad) porn film...."jack-rabbit/speed fucking"?   And I'm not talking about the druggies...at least they have an "excuse".

I may be old school with this, but like the Pointer Sisters, I like a man with a "slow hand"....this changing positions every minute and a half wears a gal out...and now I'm counting the seconds before you're outta here.

Southern Dave
Southern Dave

Along with Musto, Dorothy Parker said it best:

"By the time you swear you're his,Shivering and sighing,And he vows his passion isInfinite, undying --Lady, make a note of this:One of you is lying."

Savannah Montgomery
Savannah Montgomery

"You've met the person of your dreams. Perfect for you in every way—an absolute love match. But it turns out you're not sexually compatible in the least."

This has happen to me...a few times (not bragging either)...compatible in every way...except sex...once, had a "smoking hot" make out session, hung like a horse,(yes, we don't want "surprises" after a cab ride) only to discover we both wanted the same thing, which was mutually exclusive (sigh...gawd he was hawt!)

Ick
Ick

They look as real as most of the Chelsea queens these days.

Melinda9
Melinda9

Well said, Michael. The real world is problematic which is why I prefer my fantasy life. (Are those real people in the picture up there? They look like Sims.)

Ick
Ick

OK, at least 10 of your items had me spitting out my coffee. Love this.

Quimsy
Quimsy

Hilarious column and so true!!

Savannah Montgomery
Savannah Montgomery

 "Beautiful Wavy Hairpiece (In My Hand)"

LOL!!!!  That happened to me....picture it,J's...1980-something...Russian, everything galore!...dark-ish (lighting)...what I wanted...when we got home (2-3 blocks away) he THREW (and I mean literally, HURLED) his hairpiece into the corner!!!  WTF?!!!  What's a gurl to do????

Musto
Musto

This is a definite hit! Paging Julie Taymor!

Musto
Musto

I so agree! The rapid-fire changing of positions is wearying, as is the jackhammer thing. 

Melinda9
Melinda9

 I didn't notice that the guy on the bottom has pointed ears. Although maybe people are getting pointed ears nowadays and I didn't know it.

Savannah Montgomery
Savannah Montgomery

 ...and in case you're wondering, I "soldered" on....after all, I invited him...and I'm partially Southern... (God as my witness...taking one for the "troops/life lesson").

nostradavid
nostradavid

What a trooper! Great story for a screenplay.In similar situations, I think of this line from Frank Zappa's song Camarillo Brillo:"Well, I was born to have adventure..." (context below)

Well, I was born to have adventureSo I just followed up the stepsRight past her fuming incense stencherTo where she hung her castanetsShe stripped away her rancid ponchoAn' laid out naked by the doorWe did it till we were un-conchoAn' it was useless any more

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