The Five Worst Types Of Commenters

Categories: Advice

Sundance-Catalog-Zzzz-Sign_174F7214.jpg
Not you, mind you.

I'm talking about the icky, boring, cliched, hateful wretches that ocassionally pop up here or on Facebook and Twitter, to turn my whole milk sour.

The worst:


(5) The "zzzzz" trolls.

Nothing is ever exciting enough for these people. I'm handing them tidbits and observations for free, but it simply isn't worthy of their five-second attention span and incredibly high standards. Similarly, the "Slow news day, huh?" queens are annoying, especially when they don't follow that with a happy face or some kind of "lol" gesture." A guy wrote "Slow news day" on one of my Facebook threads the other day, so I looked up his page and his big story was that Betty White had met the President! No news day?


(4) The ones who don't get that saying a closeted celebrity is gay is NOT the same thing as schoolyard bullying.

A woman called me a bully for doing this, and I explained to her that a homophobe yelling "fag" at a defenseless three-year-old isn't quite the same as an out, proud gay reporter saying a rich and famous closet case happens to be gay and should be honest about it. To make her stop bullying me, I unfriended her.


(3) The ones who say truly banal things like "RIP" in a thread about a celebrity who's died.

Why bother even typing something that obvious and unimaginative? Zzzz.


(2) The ones who are too lazy to read the link, so they just comment on the title. (If the title is "Guess Who's The New Cleopatra?" they'll say "Ellen DeGeneres?" rather than just click and find out.) Or who ignore all the previous commenters who've pointed out a certain mistake--people love pointing out mistakes--and who say, for the 20th time in that thread, "It's Best Featured Actress, not Best Supporting Actress." Ugh. Zzzz. Blech.


(1) The "You're a dumb fairy" guy on Facebook.

It was really just one person, not a type--thank God. After misinterpreting a joke I made, he repeatedly called me a "dumb fairy" and said I must be on drugs! The guy ended up unfriending me--again, thank you, Jesus--and the result is great; my 5000-plus friends and I can now talk about him through eternity, and he can't join in!

(And by the way, "dumb fairy"? He was only half right.)


But again, you folks are the best.

Let the smart comments begin.


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9 comments
Christian Bernard
Christian Bernard

I'd say the most annoying ones are the ones who comment "First". Not only annoying but pathetic.

KC
KC

Rest in 'peace'. Unless you've been chopped into bits, than maybe 'piece'.

VonD
VonD

I say rest in piece/RIP, so there! Banal as anal, chile!

KC
KC

Ones that annoy me are the ones who reply to questions such as "Is there anyone that can take me to the airport?", with responses such as "I would but I'm in Delaware." Or ones who plug in random statements in a thread such as "Name your favorite movie" with "Let's have lunch Thursday". Buncha clowns out there, I'll tell ya.

Robert
Robert

Well, since you don't have wings, that must mean you can't speak.

Savannah Montgomery
Savannah Montgomery

 .and the "read MY blog" people...www.I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about .com

Savannah Montgomery
Savannah Montgomery

Oh, oh...the folks who can't distinguish "Figurative" from "Literal". 

Jcrain
Jcrain

It must be endlessly frustrating when you're the one setting out material that you'd pursued, sometimes for a long time, and when it was ripe for the telling, added the courtesy of deploying wit and flair. And then a commenter comes along and pisses on it, just like that - yet you're the one who's out there, identifiable to the world and history. On the other hand, when everything has passed and this time will be recalled, any commenter who'll be mentioned alongside your name will just be damn lucky to even get the attention that YOU will fully deserve. My way of saying: keep the faith, be strong, you're doing right and you know it (and some of us do, as well). Or as Susan Tyrell might have said: suck it up, bitch.

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