Phyllis Diller's Best Jokes!

Categories: Comedy

Conveniently, they're all in one monologue (below the jump) which the self-deprecating Phyllis performed on The Ed Sullivan Show in 1969.

"You think I'm overdressed? This is just my slip."

"I got a figure that just won't start."

"My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear."

"I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it."

"Would you believe I once entered a beauty contest? I not only came in last, I got 361 get well cards."

"I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan."

"When I go to bed, I've got so much grease on my body, I wear snow chains to hold up my gown."

"One night I asked Fang to kiss me goodnight. He got up and put on his work clothes."

"Fang's breath is so bad the dentist works on him through his ears."

It's all there, and more, in the short but hilarious clip that makes me miss Phyllis even more than she missed her mouth with her lipstick!

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SouthernDave 1 Like

She did film Elmer Rice's "The Adding Machine" in 1968 with Milo O'Shea and was pretty  good, though it got a very limited release and very few people have seen it.


Then there  was her bit as a 1920s raucous nightclub hostess in "Splendor in the Grass."

Anybody got anymore?


Under the right circumstances, she might have been a helluva Martha in "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?"


do you have the episode when she was on scooby doo?


She was the absolute bestest there ever was. I SO regret never seeing her live.


you omitted the one liz smith recalled:


"How do you get a nun pregnant?"





"You fuck her."

troofire 1 Like

I saw her perform once in the 80's in the Poconos.  She was a classy lady.  I was sorry she never did any serious acting roles.  I bet she would have excelled.