The Five Worst Kinds Of Subway Riders

Categories: Advice

It's not easy to whittle all the different types of obnoxos down to five, but I love a challenge (if not a cattle car).

Here goes:

(5) The ones who have no idea how physics works and can't seem to understand that people must be allowed to get off the train before other ones get on.

This even though they ride the subways every single day of their lives.

As you're trying to hobble off the train in a cast while carrying piles of large boxes, they push their way in with a stroller, running you over and making you miss your stop.

And they don't say "Sorry" or even look up from their twisted mission.

Where were they raised? A subway?

(4) The ones who sprawl out with all sorts of newspapers and packages and bags, taking up five peoples' worth of seating because they somehow view their trip to Jackson Heights as some kind of luxury cruise on a barge down the Nile.

You want to hand them an eviction notice.

(3) The ones who keep eyeing you--not because they recognize you or are the least bit interested in you, but because they're bored and are looking around and they're too dumb to read a book and too coked up to close their eyes, so they look at you, then look away, then look at you again for the entire trip.

I love attention, but I am not your free entertainment, people!

(2) The ones who've decided that they have to stare at the map right behind you.

For hours. And there's another map with no one at all sitting in front of it, but that one doesn't interest them.

Oh, no. They want the map you're in front of, and they're going to examine it through eternity because they're slow-school and it's hard and they're not sure which connection they want anyway, so they're standing and staring and breathing Happy Meal smell in your face and staring some more.

Just get off!

(1) The ones who are not only horrible parents, but who are unafraid to flaunt that in public.

"Don't sit there! Look at me when I talk to you! Why won't you obey? Get back here! Look at me! Say 'Yes, mama'! Shut up! Sit down! Stand up! Don't do that! Why aren't you listening to me?"

The barrage of fascistic orders is wearying and you want to report them to some agency or other, but you've been looking at them a little too hard and suddenly you've turned into person #3.

I guess just look away, mind your own business, and start thinking about car services.

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(6) Black teenagers



Other than being #2 myself, where's the gagger with the pushbutton?


Umm. You forgot the one where 1. You get humped on the #4 train, and 2. The ugly guy shows you his penis under his newspaper on the #4 train.


Although love the guy on the #1 who  sang "McArthur's Park" . The saddest I ever felt over a cake.



the parents who allow their kids to swing on the metal pole for riders to grip onto.  It's not a playground.


People who feel the need to pass judgement on people and s*** around them.  Shaking their heads 'no' in dissaproval.  Like anyone gives a f*** what they think about anything.


deal with this everyday. the subway is awful.

How about the people who demand what train is this?Is this the local? Is this going uptown?

You answer their barrage of questions and they lope off without ever thanking you for behaving as their personal GPS.


SavannahMontgomery 1 Like

The men who spread their legs like they've got the biggest junk in the world....NOT!


The women who have to put on 10 layers of makeup, curl eyelashes...and spread their maybelline all over.


That being said...I used to LOVE the man on the "E" train who would shave with a cordless razor in silent protest!...The women would recoil in "horror'!


You forgot the dumbasses who stand in the doorway and put on their best impression of any pigeon shit covered statue anywhere.

bethesda topcommenter

#2 and #3 are by far the worst of the bunch. I see them every day.


This is brilliant!!!!!