Blech! Spew! Retch! Why I Hate Food!

Categories: Food

It's disgusting!

I mean, I'll eat it--a lot--but still, there are some things about food that just make me want to spit up and eat rocks from now on.

And my new column tells you all about my distaste.

For example:

You can never fully fold burritos. (And judging from the above photo, if you hold one, you'll get horny and will lose your appetite--and then it'll explode all over your lap anyway.)


Everything comes with fries...

Mango chutney does not taste good on a bagel....

Expensive sushi in a pricey restaurant doesn't taste any better than that in a Food Emporium....

Branzino makes even less sense to me than Quinoa...

Pizza outside New York taste like cardboard...

Oh, I could go on.

And I do in the gloriously funny and informative three-course column.

Feast on it, people.

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"WTF is imitation crabmeat made out of?" When the Ribheads were trying to guess what animal the Krustyburger Ribwich was made out of (Simpsons 12th episode, 14th season), Krusty replied to the guess of cow: "smaller and with more legs".


Don't go to Benny's is a 2 person meal and weighs like a newborn.

jackson30 topcommenter

Some of these 40 reasons had me spitting out my drinks (if not my food). Touche!

bethesda topcommenter

Hilarious! Love it. Loved the bit about Red Lobster.