I Have Found The Worst Movie Ever Made! NSFW!
Not one of the ones I previously said were the worst movies ever made.
Those are masterpieces of neo-realism compared to the pile of crap I'm talking about:
It's Black Devil Doll From Hell, a Chester Novell Turner mess from 1984, which is shoddy, low budget, unbearable, offensive, and at times quite hilarious.
It's the story of a religious, sexually repressed woman who buys a doll in a magic shop and finds hormonal bliss when he ends up raping her.
("Where are you taking that marvelous tongue...ah yours?")
The rivetingly untalented Shirley L. Jones stars, pronouncing her lines with the sing-song air of stupefaction that they deserve.
The L. must stand for "Low rent" so you never run the risk of confusing her with Oscar winner Shirley Jones without an L.
Shirley's a perfect match for the irritating devil doll ("Wake up, bitch!...Hahahaha...."), though their joint hijinks lead to less than trenchant results, like her son popping his eyes out and exclaiming, "Mama, you mean to tell me you were raped by a puppet?"
Among other unbelievable features, the opening credits take up over six minutes of the film's 70 minute running time (including at least 30 seconds of blank screen); loud notes from some synthesizer from hell often drown out key dialogue (but not often enough, actually); and the whole thing looks like it cost less than two cents and a blow job.
The entire mess-terpiece is on YouTube (see two videos below), but start with the rape scene directly below and see if you can stomach it before making the whole commitment from hell.
Best line: "You wooden headed bastard!"
Thanks to Dina Martina for the recommendation.