Why I Hate Aging! I Mean, It's Really Getting Old!

Categories: Advice

This week's column is a rage against the fates for making life into a Twilight Zone situation whereby every second you survive brings you closer to irrelevance and mortality.

But hey, I'm still spry enough to have cranked out a bouncy column filled with the most prominent reasons that aging has really aged me:

*With every moment, you have more past and less future.

*You won't take chances anymore, your hypochondria has become realistic, and your apartment is overrun with every book, video, and clipping that ever mentioned you back when there actually were books, videos, and clippings.

*Every time a camera's in the room, you have to jut your head up and out, to minimize the extra folds and lines. So while getting photographed used to be a dream, it's become your most challenging nightmare.

And on and on until you'll wish you were dead.

Put on your bifocals and enjoy!

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Did John Waters dictate this column to you?


You might be in the middle of manopause. Chill. 


Brilliant column. Every reason given gave me pause (and a laugh).