Here's What Kim And Kanye's Baby Should Be Told

Categories: Advice

Kim_Kardashian_2011.jpg
The second it's born, I'm going to run over there, pick up the afterbirth and sell it on ebay, and tell the kid:

"Hi, darling! Welcome to the world, little one.

"You should know that your mama's last serious relationship lasted 72 days.

"Your dad is the one who made a Kard-ouchian of himself by running onstage at an awards show to humiliate the winner, to name one of many annoying stunts.

"Your late grandpa is the one who helped hide O.J. from justice and ultimately was invaluable to the mission of getting him off.

"And your grandma pimps out her family to a cunning, yet egregious extent--and what's more, she made that horrible music video in the '80s.

"You will surely be popped out on national television, because in nine months ratings will definitely be needed. (Maybe even before that. Try to hurry out.)

"And after that, you will be scrutinized, accessorized, photographed, given your own reality show at the age of three months, then scrutinized some more.

"I wish you well, despite all of this.

"And I don't blame any of you for it either! It's certainly not your fault.

"Welcome to the world, little one.

"Be sure to get a really good agent."


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9 comments
voxpop80
voxpop80

as soon as this child can walk and talk he/she should run away and beg to be adopted...by almost anyone!

meiguobaba
meiguobaba

The bitter distillation of hard truth. Luckily, money will ease the pain.

SouthernDave
SouthernDave

Tattoo the name of a good adoption agency on the kid.

CesarPelli
CesarPelli

Abortion within three months with a lot less publicity.

SavannahMontgomery
SavannahMontgomery

"Your Mamma and Daddy don't really know each other...they (big people's word) nee-go-ti-ate."  

Let me try to make you understand..."you"..hungry.."you"...cry..."they"...hungry..."you"...came into being...Understand?

anonymouse
anonymouse

"I'm sorry, it doesn't work like that. It's too late to abort your noxious parents."

jackson30
jackson30

Instead of telling the kid, you should just tweet him.

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