Sample Dialogue From a ChristianMingle.Com Date

Categories: Sex

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"Find God's match for you," is Christian Mingle's motto, the Lord obviously intending for bible-loving people to go to a website, log in, and start hormoning it up on the dating treadmill. And I can only imagine what some of these dates consist of, dialogue-wise. Here's an unholy guess:


"Hey, stud. Are you gonna nail me later like they nailed Jesus to the cross?"

"Yes--and then my noodle will enjoy a resurrection and nail you all over again."

"Ooh, baby. We're gonna re-enact the twin cities tonight!"

"Minneapolis-St. Paul?"

"No, silly. Soddom and Gomorrah!"

"I know. I was just kidding. And then I'll make you drink the wine of the wrath of my fornication. You're lucky I'm not Lot and you're not my daughter or I'd drag you into a cave for some dark, drunken seed spilling. And count your blessings that I'm not Reuben and you're not my father's concubine."

"You flirt! It's a good thing you don't have damaged testicles or you wouldn't be able to come nigh to offer the bread of your God."

"And it's a good thing you're hot because whosoever lieith with a beast shall surely be put to death!"

"Oh, yeah? Well, if you were Jacob, you'd be doing it with Rachel and her sister Leah and their servants Bilhah and Zilpah. You'd have to pleasure me during your moments of repose."

"Well, thank God I'm not Jacob. And I'm ready to start crucifying you, babe. So when do we start?"

Pause.

"Are you crazy? We can't even touch until we get married."


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6 comments
monsieurpatric
monsieurpatric

Funny, can that be said?? that a certain bearded guy, 30ish, sporting full-length djellaba with desert b.o. and obsessive men in constant tow, maybe not so white in skin tone, AND a Jew could ever qualify for Christianmingle.

SavannahMontgomery
SavannahMontgomery

"'Do a Conan, Onan...Onan, me..Onan!  Spill your seed in the name of rightoeousnss...cast your pearl necklace on this filthy swine...till I swoon!"  I'm your Bathsheba!!!!

(oops!)...walk of shame....washing his feet with hair...[damn, Leviticus, just texted].


bethesda
bethesda

Just spit out my sacramental wine.

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