Go to a gay bar at 2 a.m. and you'll be swathed in self serving lies and cuckoo delusions, all spewing at you with unspeakably boozy breath. As someone who's been there—every single night of my adult life—let me decode some of the b.s. for you:

"I'm sober" generally means "I've been doing so many drugs for so long it feels totally natural to me."

"I'm not on manhunt" means "I'm not on manhunt right at this moment."

"I'm a top" mean "I'm a bottom."

"I dated Chace Crawford" means "I dated a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy who waited on Chace Crawford at a Chucky Cheese."

"I've always been bisexual" means "In high school, I had a fake girlfriend, but the story fell apart when everyone realized she was my sister."

and. . .

"I dumped my last boyfriend. We had grown apart and I was so bored with him" means "He took out a restraining order."

more: gaaaaayyyyyy, nightlife

comments

Anybody who talks about their "Ex" means some guy they barely know and went out on 2 or 3 dates.

Posted by: Tim at April 25, 2008 1:53 PM

That is so true! I am so fed up with guys who say, "I just broke up with my boyfriend after 2 years. I'm devastated, but what a relief." And then you find out it was 2 DATES.

Posted by: musto at April 25, 2008 2:26 PM

"I was in this really abusive long-term relationship" translates as "I dated this guy who left his toothbrush and floss at my apartment and was so rude that he never returned my phone calls after he found out I had accidently given him crabs."

Posted by: Topper at April 25, 2008 3:07 PM

Oh, don't forget my FAVORITES, which include:
"I was engaged to a woman in college."
(Translation: I ate dinner with a girl in the school cafeteria)
"I only practice safe sex"
(Translation: He's into barebacking)
"I'm into everything from vanilla to mild kink"
(Translation: Yes, that IS a sling hanging from the dining room ceiling and don't trip on the inflatable wading pool that still stinks from last night's Golden Shower Party)
"No drugs."
(Translation: Are you into a little weed?)

Posted by: Trixie Blowhard at April 25, 2008 3:12 PM

Good lord! What a bunch of jaded, bitter queens!

Posted by: Darth Pritzy at April 25, 2008 3:51 PM

Add all of this nonsense to the body and age fascism that permeates the gay culture. And you get a Monet (looks great from a distance but up close it's a big ol' mess!). Yeah, I stay in and do ultimate Paul Davis jams for hours alone. It's more fulfilling and a helluva lot more interesting.

Posted by: e.j. tweaker at April 25, 2008 4:12 PM

"I'm completely negative" means "I haven't had any symptoms in two days."

Posted by: zangy at April 25, 2008 8:16 PM

Chace Crawford saying "I like a girl who can ring my bell" means I like a guy with a big ding a ling.

Posted by: Ruby at April 26, 2008 9:49 AM

"Good lord! What a bunch of jaded, bitter queens!"

Darth Pritzy,

you say that like it's a BAD thing.

Posted by: Tim at April 27, 2008 1:26 PM